The world is a cruel and lard-filled place. So naturally this week's ABJ sammy of delight is all "whoa is me". I'm singling out three things in the realms of Angry, Bitter, and Jelly that other people get away with while I can't. It's truly tragic, it's truly true, and it's truly no fair. So stop pointing and laughing at my pathetic asses and "read the fuq on" to see what it is that's less fair then a ginger skin-convention...
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ANGRY: Bluetooth People & Non Hands-free Fux
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| Bonelaqueefah, is that call from NeNe Leaks really THAT important? |
Everyone knows how douchey idiots look walkin' around Wal-Mart with their bluetooth Borg ear pieces in while talking to thin air about "that meeting that needs to move". But just because we know the beast at hand, doesn't mean they don't still piss me off. These tool-douches who walk around like their shit don't stink are really chapping my non-chiseled ass, and they, like
Two and A Half Men, need to be destroyed.
It's bad enough that I think you're talking to me when really you're talking to your bluetooth, but add to it the realization that your being on said device while in the store infers that you're SOOO important that you can't nab your double-fudge ice cream bites without talking to whatever loser I'm sure is on the other end of the line. It's rude, it's weird, and it's making me
hungry angry. Now don't get me wrong, bluetooths are great when driving so as to not get a ticket for talking on the phone and driving, but outside of the car the only blue tooth I wanna see is my front ones after eating a smurf doused in blue frosting.
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| If I, (pictured above) can do it, U can do it too, non-hands-free fux. |
Speaking of hands free, your cousins the "non hands free fux" are equally as infuriating. It's the law in California to not talk on your stupid Nextel/Verizon Cricket mobile douchevice while driving. And I'm sure your conversation about last night's
Real Housewives is REALLY important... but if you can't break the law while also not killing me slash driving like you're Armenian or an Asian Woman, then you should be arrested and forced to watch MTV shows without a puke-break, or at least pay me in Baconators.
In the end, it isn't fair that these two sub-asses get to be rude in public and break the law and get away with it while children run away screaming "SHREK!" when they see me, and police arrest me for driving around and stopping at every Wendy's while on the way to Burger King... but I guess that's just the way this sick-sad world works.
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BITTER: PEOPLE WHO CAN PULL OFF HATS
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| Mah boifren, that's who! (I'm #2 in the shortay shortz) |
Princess Bitterella
(copy write 10K-Gold) shows her true colors when I witness these dix. I'm super bitter that some people can work hats like overtime and not look like an idiot. I on the other hand, look like a short bus Make-A-Wish kid at a baseball game when trying to rock said head attire. I already look 14 as it is, but donning a hat take 8 years off instantly... a blessing if you're 80 years old, not so much a blessing if you're 26 and people still ask to see ID after uttering the phrase "One for
Scream 4 please... Yeah I'm alone, so what?".
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| Even this bitch is makin' it work. (Shambles) |
All I want is to look like a hot boi rockin' a backwards cap, but all I look like when I don said cap is Hilary Swank trying to hide from the Paparazzi. It isn't fair that I can't pull off my natural dood hotness with the help of a cap... Rednex, Douchelords, and Juiceheads get to do it, why not me too? Sad face aside, the point remains that I'm bitter of these head-blessed mens who possess this dome-covered gift that those of us in the male minority do NOT possess.
Don't get me wrong, some of these doodz just look like douchebags (Fred Durst), but others are making my scrotes squirm with delight. Maybe one day things will fall into place for me, until then I'm bitter as hell that I can't be one of these men-folk who look hot when covering their heads... but unlike a vast majority of them I'm sure, at least I still have hair to cover up.
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JELLY: REDNECK HILLBILLY TANNING SKILLS
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| Not exactly what I mean... but kinda. Pretty eyes! |
Speaking of Rednex, my jellies are jammin in a non good way over their tanning skills. Please to explain how-to they are so tan even when it's not sunny? I know it's not cuz they got black in 'em, cuz if this week's
True Blood has taught us anything it's that when white people get black people preggo they kill the bebeh, thus allowing the spirit to possess a me-cute redneck baby named Mikey by giving it fire powers. Well maybe that last bit is a one-off thing, but it's still making me jelly that these hix can rock a tan, even if it's snowing outside.
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| Welcome to Alabama. Please-to don't be black or gay. |
My theory is that redneck-hillbilly folks are outside in the fields or construction site or whatever, so they get their jaund on that way... but not all of these folks dust crops or pave roads for a living. So what gives? Is it that these peeps are just so dirty the filth has formed a layer of darkness that only they can possess? Mayhaps, but I sometimes go years wihtout showering to achieve this same effect and only come away with lice and smeg-cheese.
Furthermore, I who am possessed by the spirit of a black woman
True Blood Lafayette style, can lay out on the Equator for 5 years and still look like a snowflake that refuses to melt. It's baffling, it's no fair, and it's also kinda hot how good it looks on their Jethrow/Cleetus selves. So of course for thier skills I don't possess, and my wanting to bone them for said strange skills, I'm major jelly. But really, what else is new?
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