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| Surriously, Em... Another pic of your cooch? Soary, I'm Canadian. |
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| And the Emmy goes to... Spencer! For not puking whilst in Simbajaws' clutches. |
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| What'chu mean you're not a natural blonde? Friendship over! |
----- PLL Candy stripers needs to be a new show stat. Especially if it means Aria won't be joining Spencer, Lezzy Emily, and Hefty Hanna in the dungeon of Zombies known as the morgue.
----- Cool deal, Blindilox is talking to rando black nurse about how she can't wait to see the Ocean again after her operation. Question: 1) where has this rando black bitch been all our lives, her weaves is ferosh 2) Why the fuq do they need to be in the morgue/records basement in order to reveal said new miracle eyes? and 3) Is Jesus Jenna's surgeon, cuz I thought he was the only one who could make the blind see.
REDUX-MERCIAL BREAK
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nothing exciting during commercials... this week is really getting off to a bad start. Shambles.
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BACK IN DEM FACE-PARTS
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| Dammit, Non-Speaking Mextra I told you... that hat is SO not Fetch! |
----- Um, Em... there's totes a way for "A" to know which creams are yours and which are Hanna's, Hanna's have food chunks in them and yours have poon chunks in them. Easy as pie. Mmmm pie.
-----Hanna is back with the zingers and rules of fat club. "Licking the salt off of pretzels does not count as lunch". Thanks bitch, but we knew that already. Licking the salt off of pretzels is actually considered pre-bite etiquette... even rexo bitches know that.
----- Um, Jason... you're like 100, the last time someone your age worked at that school he sorta killed Allison, then he showed up dead in a barn. And before that Fitz ended up dead in Aria's cooch. So take my advice, butt-chinned New Jason, cut and run before it's too late.
----- "i can't control what my brain does when I'm sleeping, Em" - Actually Aria, you don't seem to be able to control what it does when you're awake either, dumb hobag. -- "Ok, Toby was never linked to a weapon that could have dented Ally's skull" - Actually Em, you don't seem to realize that his hideous face can achieve just that with one eye contact achieving glance.
-----The only thing getting in you and Ezra's way, Aria are your eyebrows, his gay, and that whole you're 16 thing of course.
----- OMG you bitches, Jenna is blind, not deaf. You're like 2 seconds away from her so keep it down. Oh and Aria, what you guys are doing isn't "whispering", unless of course you're my hard of hearing Grandfather who thinks he's whispering to me when really I'm the one about to go deaf.
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| Lil' Red Riding Hastings is on dat shit like dem hidosh extensions! |
----- Don't act surprised, clearly-not-hiding-in-the bushes-I-thought-you-were-better-than-this Spencer, if New Jason is rich enough to kick out Maya's unseen black parents from the house they just bought from him, why wouldn't he be yelling at the next closest minority while paying him to move lawn gristle around and pretending to work like so many other dudes on this show pretend to act?
PEDO-MERCIAL BREAK
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anne Hathaway, who I can't stand to begin with cuz bitch thinks she's Meryl Steep, makes me want to kill myself even more with that shitty Hermione rat's nest hair and atrosh British accent in her new movie which I won't even name here for fear of promoting it further. This LYING GAME shit looks terrible. I hate the name Sutton, it's so rich white people. And why is David Wallace from the Office (who in real life is an accountant) playing this bitch's Dad?
----- Hey Hanna's Mom, you got no idea what you're getting yourself in to by letting Em and her lez squad hang alone tonight in the crib. Hope you got some kinda cleaner that gets fish and pubes outta your couch cushions. Oh, and how will you know the diff between a girl friend and a GURLfrin? One will be painting Em's nails and the other will be licking her cooch. That's how.
----- Poker? I don't even know her. Damn them cupcakes look good, dyko Poker Squad. Thank God "A" is here to break up this muff fest with some drama.
----- Brillz line of the night so far. Spencer's Mom: "If I found a stick in the yard, I'd have probably burned it too". Wait, don't tell me. If you found a Baconator in the kitchen, you'd have probably eaten it too right? How much effort does it take PLL writers to add "Hockey" in front of "stick" so that your characters don't sound like a bunch of Aria idiots? Please-to start listening during the table reads mmkay?
----- Aria I don't care for you... but that table of rando snax you're laying out on Fitz' desk is lookin' mighty scrump. Side note: Decanning the cream soda... is that a euphemism? Cuz I think Ez de-canned your cream soda a while ago, his too.
EYE ROLL-MERCIAL BREAK-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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BACK TO THE FUEATURE
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| What's a 6 letter word for 'cat'? "Bitchz". Got it. |
----- Dear PLL writers. The first thing I want to see when coming back from a commercial break is SO NOT blonde lez dropping dialogue like "sweets for my sweet". I'd ALMOST take a Toby closeup over that cheesy shit. ALMOST. Though them cookies does look good.
----- Hey Hanna's Mom, you got no idea what you're getting yourself in to by letting Em and her lez squad hang alone tonight in the crib. Hope you got some kinda cleaner that gets fish and pubes outta your couch cushions. Oh, and how will you know the diff between a girl friend and a GURLfrin? One will be painting Em's nails and the other will be licking her cooch. That's how.
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| Oh, Fitz! I didn't recognize u without a dix in ur mouf. |
----- Ezra. The look of terror on your face when a chick is trynna bone is not the appropriate response for a straight guy, it's called acting. At least pretend like you aren't disgusted. Although I kinda am, bitch is SIXTEEN! Have we all forgotten this little tidbit? Final bitch, if you only need 15 minutes to bone and clean up before the class that starts yet has no early arriver losers, then you might need to consult Posh Therapist and get that quick draw McGraw shit checked out.
----- Poker? I don't even know her. Damn them cupcakes look good, dyko Poker Squad. Thank God "A" is here to break up this muff fest with some drama.
----- Brillz line of the night so far. Spencer's Mom: "If I found a stick in the yard, I'd have probably burned it too". Wait, don't tell me. If you found a Baconator in the kitchen, you'd have probably eaten it too right? How much effort does it take PLL writers to add "Hockey" in front of "stick" so that your characters don't sound like a bunch of Aria idiots? Please-to start listening during the table reads mmkay?
----- Aria I don't care for you... but that table of rando snax you're laying out on Fitz' desk is lookin' mighty scrump. Side note: Decanning the cream soda... is that a euphemism? Cuz I think Ez de-canned your cream soda a while ago, his too.
EYE ROLL-MERCIAL BREAK
Shoot me, I'm old. NOW 39!? I remember when that shit was just Now!, and if asked when I'd buy it I replied "NEVER!"
----- Damn, Hanna... I get bribed with gallons of CHUNKY MONKEY too, why do you think I leave the house ever slash have friends? Ooh now you and KeanuCaleb are discussin' ordering pizza. This relationship is getting better and better.
----- Aria wants a normal nightmare... something with spiders? How about something with the face of a shark that had a baby with a lion? Sorry, Aria, like black dick... you don't come back from that one. Stick with the semi-hot boiz sex dreams, you're better off. SIDE NOTE: when people show up in my dreams I most definitely want something from them. Oh yeah, also I only dream about Wendy's employees who say "and do you wanna biggie size that?" Answer's YES btdubbs.
----- Aw, Depressed Mike. Don't worry, it gets better. You can't help who you are, Gaga says you were born this gay way. Oh and Mr. Montgomery, don't use some lame door unlocked and open rule... just set up a camera if you wanna catch Mike jerkin' the merkin. Or at least get REALLY good at google searching.
ABC FAM-MERCIAL BREAK-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----- Hanna, your putting down the pissa box and not devouring at least 4 slices before speaking really hurts my feelings more than KeanuCaleb's "sadness" is killing anyone who's got an ounce of acting ability in their withering Boniva bones.
----- Spencer what is going on with your hair? And why are you being so obvi that you want Momz to get the fuq outta the house. Also, so glad UgzFace Melissa is "staying at her condo" as it's true, Mrs. Spencer's Mom... it is best if Melissa stays away from Rosewoodforever right now.
----- Hey, Mr. Montgomery's Dad. You may have had an (I'm assuming) suicide brother. But he's clearly not as good at killing himself as he his at coming out of nowhere storyline-wise now that it's efficient for the writers. Also, why couldn't your real life brother fade into nothingness like your PLL one cuz Rob Lowe is really bringin' down my Parks and Rec bone.
----- Hey, New Jason... sweet serial killer shed with pics of sleeping bitches and body parts... mine's better.
WEEN-MERCIAL BREAK-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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AND WE BACK IS BE ARE
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| We wish this was Vampire Diaries, but it's just ain't. Does suck tho. |
----- Resident whore is having another sex dream. Maybe those heavy ass eyebrows are weighing down on your cortex and causing dem sektx dreammares.
----- Damn, Hanna... I get bribed with gallons of CHUNKY MONKEY too, why do you think I leave the house ever slash have friends? Ooh now you and KeanuCaleb are discussin' ordering pizza. This relationship is getting better and better.
----- Aria wants a normal nightmare... something with spiders? How about something with the face of a shark that had a baby with a lion? Sorry, Aria, like black dick... you don't come back from that one. Stick with the semi-hot boiz sex dreams, you're better off. SIDE NOTE: when people show up in my dreams I most definitely want something from them. Oh yeah, also I only dream about Wendy's employees who say "and do you wanna biggie size that?" Answer's YES btdubbs.
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| If I turn 'round and ain't no bonerz in my face we gawn have issues! |
----- Hey, Montgomery 'Rents... if you want Mike to go to school and stop being a little shit, just do what I'd do if I were you and shove you dick up his ass until he agrees to do what you want. It worked on Noel Kahn and Sam Jaeger... how do you think I got TWO slices of pizza in my bag lunch?
----- Aw, Depressed Mike. Don't worry, it gets better. You can't help who you are, Gaga says you were born this gay way. Oh and Mr. Montgomery, don't use some lame door unlocked and open rule... just set up a camera if you wanna catch Mike jerkin' the merkin. Or at least get REALLY good at google searching.
ABC FAM-MERCIAL BREAK
BEA ARTHUR BACK WE R (too soon?)
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| I sure do luv dem french fried puhtaters. Oh I'm not offering, and it's pissa, dumbass. |
----- Lezbo fight. Blonde lez you're so stupid... the real answer "A made me do it" is a lot less "real sounding" than "I wanted to connect with your friends...sexually". K that last part I added, but I read between the pussy lines.
----- New Jason is still terrible. And does anyone know how to close their fuqing blinds in this town? I'm mean for realz, yall... who you think you is? Aria's legs? Keep dem shits closed.
----- Hanna, your putting down the pissa box and not devouring at least 4 slices before speaking really hurts my feelings more than KeanuCaleb's "sadness" is killing anyone who's got an ounce of acting ability in their withering Boniva bones.
----- Spencer what is going on with your hair? And why are you being so obvi that you want Momz to get the fuq outta the house. Also, so glad UgzFace Melissa is "staying at her condo" as it's true, Mrs. Spencer's Mom... it is best if Melissa stays away from Rosewood
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| Mom, you're not on Charmed anymore so stop standing like that. |
----- Hey, New Jason... sweet serial killer shed with pics of sleeping bitches and body parts... mine's better.
WEEN-MERCIAL BREAK
These damn Clean and Clear ABC Family Lounge interstituals are reals annoying, if I have to take Aria cramming 584758947584 million bottles of Tresemme into her bags twice an ep in order to avoid these, please-to gimme Tresemme.
----- You don't need pictures to prove to Aria that New Jason is stalking her ass. I think the word of her two best friends is proof enough, but maybe my friends are just more trustworthy than Aria's. In my defense though, I don't have tarantula eyebrows so it's pretty obvs why. ANNNND of course that shit's gone sans flashlight you dumb bitches left behind.
NEXT WEEK
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AND WE BACK A LACK CLACK
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| KCaleb, stop playin' with urself while waitin' on the shortbus to Cali! |
----- Katy Perry concert on TV, Hanna? You're better than that. Try Fat Joe... he's more fitting (pun intended) to your tastes (which are usually "cake" in origin). SIDE NOTE: Good, I was wondering how they were gonna get rid of KeanuCaleb... I wanted Scream 4 style bloodbath, but "leaving tonight to go across the country to see your mom who you only spoke to for like one second even though she gave you up and can afford a car and plane ticket for your Orphan Annie ass" is MUCH more believable.
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| It says 'admit one', whassat mean? Means gimme dem coffeez, bitch! |
----- "More like a sugar break". Aria that's the first thing you've ever said that hasn't made me want to kill you. CUT TO: Blindilox Jenna and Black cop who's Latino or Native American "spying" on them like everyone else "spies" in this show. You really need a new device PLL powers that be. It's getting old, like single fudge Oreo's... just not as exciting as something else (quadruple fudge bacon).
----- Are Spencer and Emily talking to each other via cellphone while standing in front of each other? Oh wait no they're calling the other bitches. Makes sense.
----- You don't need pictures to prove to Aria that New Jason is stalking her ass. I think the word of her two best friends is proof enough, but maybe my friends are just more trustworthy than Aria's. In my defense though, I don't have tarantula eyebrows so it's pretty obvs why. ANNNND of course that shit's gone sans flashlight you dumb bitches left behind.
TAG - "A" does photo stuff, I did photo stuff in high school too. Clearly you people aren't getting that I'm "A"... how many times do I have to tell you?
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| Next stop... Hell. Please keep all dix and pusseez inside the car. |
Shit's getting rough... and we approach the midseason finale until coming back in the Spring? for the back 12 eppys. I'd like to say I'm sad, but I think I need a PLL break as the plot holes are making me feel like I'm drowning in a sea of hooker coochies. But that just means I'll try and make next week's redux the best yet until the hiatus.
VERDICT???
I'm still engaged in what's going on like a Kardashian to a ethnically ambiguous dood, but I need mad resolution next week or my frustration level is gonna reach my blood pressure level. TRANSLATION: High as hell. It's cool all the little subplots you peeps are bringing up, but said plots aren't the ID of "A", you can't drag them out forever without people (namely ME) getting pissed. Oh yeah and it's time to make some progress on the whole "A" thing too. Bitch needs to either kill someone or be revealed... shit's running "thin", and I never use that "T" word so you know it's becoming a problem. (oh, and here's a bonus treasure of things I love (below) to get you through the week)
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| ------- Til' next week's Summer finale ep, Bitches! "A" | ||
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