AngryBitter & Jelly: Holier Than Thou Edition

Worship the camel toe, Bitches!

     Who (other than your bleached asshole or afrofied vageyenuh) likes douchebags?  Yeah me neither.  Which is why this edition of ABJ is so apropos.  This time my sammy of ABJ is full of shits and hoes that really get under my loosely assembled varicose covered skin.  So roll up those sleeves and find a grease-filled vein, cuz I'm 'boutta inject some ABJ truth into your ever widening mind-parts after the jump...


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ANGRY:  GRAD SCHOOL FILM SNOBS

"Citizen Kane is so dystopian in nature" (Fuqing kill yourself)

     Don't get me wrong, I'm all for education, but that shit's more expensive than a Russian whore who'll let you stick it in her ass without a condom, and equally as risky considering the current job market.  Don't get me wrong part 2, I'm (mostly) singling out film majors and the like in Grad school wasting their time and money.  I'm also not saying that Grad School is a bad thing, nor are those who attend it (Tok'shuss I'm lookin' at ur black ass).  But if you decide to go that route, please-to don't get all ho-lier than thou with those of us who didn't, okuur?  
     Since when does adding 50K to dem student loans qualify YOU to look down on ME for not being dumb enough to waste two years of my life studying old shitty outdated black and white films?  So lovely that you enjoy sipping your shitty California wine with your dumbass Kangeroo hat and crossed legs while you try and start a debate about "The classics" and "How Kubrick was so overrated".  Bully to you for being able to look like an idiot AND sound like one too by just existing... but can you put out pink pages or pick up dailies/lunch on time all while not looking the stars in the eye?  Didn't think so.
     The main point I'm making here is that everyone has their own path; some go to grad school, some stay at home and get preggo slash kill their kids and get away with it (too soon?), and others choose real world experience over classroom debate about shit that's long been outdated... but no matter what path you choose, don't hate on someone else or think you're better than them because they chose something different... cuz in this industry, no one cares where you wasted your money.  I know plenty of people with the same title as me who graduated from Harvard... but to be fair I am so happy that, as you're getting me coffee, you can count to ten in Latin.

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BITTER:  TEEN ASSHOLES

Down. Set. Hi-there!  Talk about blue balls Shamz.  Damn, Dad u foyn!

     Get your mind outta the gutter, slutbags.  I'm not being literal here (for once).  What's bittering up and chapping my bacon flavored ass are those 11-17 year old douchebags and douchebagguettes who walk 'round the playground or multipurpose room like they shit don't staynk.  Countless movies where 26 year olds play a teenager have touched on this topic, but not like I'm touching it (tee hee).  If I see a 13 year old who's in better shape than me I shudder in shambles for first checking him out, and second looking away as he approaches so that he won't talk/make fun of me.  There's nothing worse than being a grown up and still being crush-scared of the Burbank Bobcat's Quarterback.
     Adding insult to Shambled injury, the cold hard boner truth is worsened Ugly Betty sitch style when you realize that in 5-7 years when it's legal, you're gonna want to bone said Teen Asshole, but they know it too so it builds their confidence you wish you had as you realize you've become that creepy old science teacher who calls his student's "beakers", and then goes on to talk about blood flow and inserting hot liquids into said beakers during your "experiments".  Ok maybe that's out of hand (or in it, tee hee), but the point is... You're old and gross now and won't admit it, they're young and hot now and can't stop saying it, and no amount of imagined or real stat-rape is gonna change that truth anymore than the fact that they're gonna call you "Sir" or "Ma'am" while it's/they're/you're going down in shambles.  So instead of risking 5 to 10 at the state penn, I choose instead to just be bitter of these confident and will-be-hot-when-they-grow-up assholes.

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JELLY:  GYM EATERS

This Alan Tudyk lookin' Bitch knows what's up.

     Holy Holly and Blessed be, there are people out there who are fatter than me (Dr. Seuss rhyme much?).  Anywayz, I've seen two of these fine speci-menz and womenz in the past week and I'm (sorta) jumping for joy that I'm not as desperate as them.  If you're confused about what exactly these Fat-Club-Post worthy hobags are, a gym eater is exactly what it sounds like; someone who eats at the gym.  This could be on the way in (like that bitch nomming a burrito I saw), while "working out" (like that dude I saw nomming crackers on the Stairmaster), or in the locker room (like that nasty bitch with an apple walking around barefoot).
     Truth is, I'm jelly of these reverse bulimic bitches cuz I wish I had that kinda will power to eat in the face of cardio induced danger... but even I have limits and know when is and is not appropriate to cram a Baconator in certain locations.  It's a cold-cut hard-salami truth that just because you go to the gym, doesn't mean you work out (I'm looking at you, bike readers and 45 minute matt stretchers), but at the same time I'm jelly of you gym eaterz' ability to convince yourself that cramming Steakums with a 0.5lbs dumbbell on your shoulder is working out... I unfortunately, am not so oblobvious.