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| Hands off mah cooch, Em... I'm being fabulous here. Soary, Hanna. |
Greetings and salutations, Bitches. PLL was back in full force last night, and Mona and Hanna had more zingers than an electroshock therapy center without a powerstrip to plug their cooch-zap machine's into... TRANSLATION - Lotsa zings. This week featured a near-lezzy encounter with a massage their-rapist, and some major bareback ridin' on the ole bitch range of horseback trollups. So jump on in here like "A' at the massage parlor or a horse over a fence and see what all the cooch-rage was this week on PLL...
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| Gah, Hanna. It's not THAT boring. Wake up, Fat Bitch! |
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| I like ur shirt, New Jason. I hate ur everything, Brows Aria. |
----- Bonus points revoked for Spencer's other line regarding her absence from the college fair at which I'm sure "A" will be making a ridiculous cameo: "I promised I'd pack up the rest of Ian's stuff before Melissa gets home...
----- Clearly Emily is a skinny bitch, cuz only a skinny bitch would stop long enough to notice that all the letters in her alphabet cereal were "A's", and that there was a note inside a little bubble thingy. If that were me I'd choke on the plastic before I even realized the lack of consonants in my noms. Props to "A" though for using the prize machine at Wal-Mart to buy a shitty plastic ring so she could plant that note in the plastic casing said ring came in. You go, you cheap bitch.
LEZ-MERCIAL BREAK
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lame promos, lame trailers... why is there a First Response commercial on ABC Family, and right after a hideous Sketchers commercial too? Tsk Tsk, ABC Fam.
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BACK IT UP WE BACK, Y'ALLZ
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| No cookies? Mothuhfuqing SHAMBLEZ! |
Oh and Mrs. Hanna's Mom, the only thing that Emily needs inside and out that's massage based is attached to your daughter's hands, aka her fingers. But bless for thinking Em needs a massage more than you, I mean not two days ago you were getting pussaged by your ex hub-zend so I'm sure you're loose enough as it is. PS - totes jelly of Hanna, I wish I had a two for one coupon at the Donut Hut.
----- "Says the girl who woke up at 4am for the Royal Wedding"... "I had to pee"... "For four hours?" Replace "Royal Wedding" with "nonstop food" and "I had to pee" with "I'm a lardass who can't control myself" and you pretty much know why I'm tired all the time.
----- Ally took those pictures of Aria to try and blind anyone with a fear of tarantula eyebrows into following her orders. Either that or she thought Aria's face was her ass (completely possible) and wanted some JO material to share with Fitz. Or of course that butt-chinned Jason is lying and now he knows Aria's friends are the ones who broke into his shit (which is probz the case cuz his lame story is about on par with "my Hanna ate my homework". Way to blow up everyone's spot, detective Browsofdeath... I think your accidental confession is ten times worse than Em blurting out to Spencer that you played 7 Minutes Of Heaven inside New Jason's mouth.
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| It's hideo! Wait, it's a mirror & it's pointed at Toby/her shirt. |
----- Oh shit, I wish Mona was waiting for me outside, Hanna. And after Posh Spice Therapist shows up post locker bullshit spillage, I'm sure Emily wishes so too. Oh and I love how after like 2 seconds the PLL are no longer PST's patients anymore... good to know she still cares though. Ten bucks says they go down on each other.
----- Ew, Simbajaws alert! I know why you're not attending the college fair too, SJ... cuz they don't allow vicious faced animal hybrids beyond the front door. And Spencer's not going cuz she's too busy doling out brilliant lines of shitty dialogue like "Why enjoy today when you could be worrying about tomorrow".
Then, while reading Ian's old yearbook: "Lacross, N.A.T club...", Spencer you left out "shitty killer club" and "90's hair club". Oh, and I'm pretty sure N.A.T club means "no acting talent" club... there seems to be a lot of that going around with the dudes on this show.
CUM-MERCIAL BREAK
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stupid shit, dumb shit, pending Tresemme commercial yet to show. Oh great, Barney Live in Concert Birthday Bash... sorry, announcer dude it's not time to laugh and sing, it's time to roll eyes and vomit.
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BABY GOT BACK TO THE SHIT-SHOW
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| Bitch I will judge ur face AND threat text U from beneath this coat! |
----- OM Mothuhfuqin' G... Mona is back and two lines in she's throwin' mad shade like a Drag Queen at a bitchoff. Oh how I've missed that side pony ferocia so. Work dem fashions and talk that shit, Mini-Ferocia Monalicious cuz that blonde fembot drone future sister-in-law bitch is soooo boring-useless.
Plot twist points to Hanna for saying "no" to a lunch offer, and awesome exchange points to Fat Bitch and Mona for this little back and forth. HANNA: "What are you doing, you are not starved? You just has a whole bowl of jellybeans". MONA: "They were complimentary!"... way to flip the script ladies and make Mona the heifer while Hanna pretends she didn't have 3 bowls herself.
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| Just relax and open ur cooch. K... Wait this is still free right? |
----- Spencer, I'm so sorry I didn't call you out for this earlier but I was so distracted by Simbajaws' hideous face and acting that I was blinded Jenna style by the horrors of your outfit. Bitch where the fuq are your sleeves? Why the shiz is your shirt shoulderless and please-to tell me it's not denim. Also thank you, Spencer for you Bing shoutout with that big ass phone or whatever, and for all your stupid expository lines like "We know that Ian liked to secretly tape the girls of Rosewood right?" Um, I didn't realize the four PLL were now known as "the girls of Rosewood" cuz he only filmed you ho-sluts.
NOM-MERCIAL BREAK
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Whattaya know... PLL is brought to you by Bing. I didn't realize that from the way obvi Bing logo moments before... way to keep that product placement subtle like a boat driving through a butthole, PLL... but at least it's not Tresemme this time.
This full-of-annoying-shitheads never-ending pasta bowl commercial from Olive Garden is like having Jeffrey Dahmer eat your cooch, in theory it seems great but in practice it's really just a terrifying experience that makes you lose more than your lunch.
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GET BACK, BITCHES! OK.
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| Sorry, bitch. I'mma havetuh "A" tex u black. The Germanz R here. |
----- I'm falling asleep watching Aria and New Jason talk. Can we get back to obviously not Asian Masseuse bitch fingering Emily at the pussage parlor preez? PleasetoKthanxbai.
----- If Kiki and I ever went horseback riding, it'd be a a lot like this Mona and Hanna experience... only instead of us losing the horses, we'd eat them. Side note: Mona... I disagree... I do not hope that KeanuCaleb comes back soon.
----- Meanwhile at Eavesdrop high, Momma Montgomery thinks she sees something suspicious, and at lezbo massage parlor, my theory about Mona being "A" is sorta out the door since she can't stalk Em AND be lost in the woods with Hanna too. But when has story continuity and realistic shizz ever stopped the PLL writers in the past? Musta been Mona's "A" sidekick... AKA Noel Kahn... mmm yeah.
MONA-MERCIAL BREAK
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| If UR a terrible actor, make a hideous face. Thought so... Thanx. |
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NOEL-COME BACK
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| I'm so glad I'm blind, If I wasn't I'd puke from that hideo shirt, Spence. |
----- UGLY BETTY MOMENT ALERT! Way to go, Hanna. Bitching out the bitches on the loudspeaker for all to hear. So what, it's true. Also, you were promised food and haven't fed, Rule 12 of fat club states that "You can't be responsible for what comes out of your mouth if nothing's going in it". It's just a matter of biology.
----- CRAZY BLIND BITCH IN YOUR HOUSE ALERT! Spencer, she's come to deservedly so destroy that hideous denim shirt.
----- GAY GUY BAD ACTOR FIGHT ALERT!... looks like Fitz and New Jason are gonna royal rumble over jailbait Broweesha Aria. The only thing worse than the impending fight is telling Aria's parents that you and their 16 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER! are boning bones. Of course, no fight was had on pussydoodz lane. Shambles.
----- Back in the Fast And The Delirious car. Jay Hernandez Cop and Blindylox be in cahoots with New Jason... clearly they all gang-bang killed Allison, or saw who did wiht thier little party room of peeping Toms and one Blind Jane. At this point though, I really don't care.
UM-MERCIAL BREAK
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another FIRST RESPONSE commercial... hope they're not trying to send us young teen girl viewers a message that we need to work harder to cast the next 348786786786 seasons of TEEN MOM, 16 AND PREGGO, and SECRET LIFE OF THE AMERICAN TEENAGER... come to think of it, is there a single show on ABF Family that doesn't have "secret" in the title or deal with lying and such? Oh yeah, Make it or Break it, must be why it's been off the air for so long.
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AND WE'Z BLACK
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| Go away, Sis... I'm trynna stroke it to the Shamblettes Blog hurr. |
----- Aria and Mrs. Aria's Mom talking is killing my bone... notice a theme here? Aria. Oh, and Mike doesn't need a therapist... he needs my ween. Side note, how old is Ezra supposed to be? Cuz Aria just said there's not much age difference? Bitch you are 16, so even if he (and this is a stretch) were only 22, that's still 6 years! I mean it's kinda hot if it were two guys, but what 20 year old do you know boning a 14 year old? 6 years, like 16 inches, is a lot when discussing sex stuff and you're virginal.
----- Hey Em, if the hands felt like a girl but you're not sure, "A" is either Noel and his dainty hands, or you and your manly ones. So glad I could do the detective work for you.
----- Again with the expository dialogue, Spencer. Why don't you just recap the whole first season which has more plot holes that that hideous denim shirt while you're at it? (still not letting this shirt thing go)
----- So, the only thing worse than stupid cop bringin' some brews to New Jason's completely re-designed crib to discuss the issues is probably how shortbustarded they looked sitting like the cast of Dawson's Creek on the porch. Please-to kill yourselves, Douchelords. I'm growing more than tired of your everything.
TAG - In "I called it weeks ago news", "A" is a patient of Posh Therapist's. Guess Mona needed to decompress after that day of rough ridin'.
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NEXT WEEK |
| If U don't get a Baconator in here stat, I'mma Hunger Games ur ass. |
"All is revealed" blah blah bullshit. Yeah I'll believe it when I see it. What I can't wait for is TWO weeks from now, cuz that shit (pictured above) looks juicier than Em's thighs while she's getting massaged by Asianish Vagssage Bitch.
VERDICT???
Mona and Noel are "A", and New Jason, Blindilox, Ian, and Garrett Cop were in a douche frat, ran a train on blindo, and then saw Alison get murdered by one of them and are covering it up. Only time will tell, but honestly all I care about is the Noel/Mona "A" combo being true, cuz I love them both like fries and onion rings.Til' next week, Bitches
---- "A"
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