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| Baby I was born this way. |
Like a gay in the club when a GaGa song comes on, there was some mad body possession going on this week on TB. Oh, and in case you didn't know based on everyone saying it every five minutes... it was a full moon this week on TB too. (Awesome Name/Person Alert!) Raelle Tucker wrote this one, and bitch has mad skills as it was the best of the season for sure: zingers, pubes-ass-&-tittays, no Portia and minuscule Bill... Bless Ms. Tucker for her gifts of blessed be (and for writing me back that one time on Facebook, mad props RT, for reelz). But enough about me and my wonderful satty fat filled life, what else went down like Tara on her girlfriend this week in Bon Temps?...
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| Arlene, surryously... Walmart hair dye is not ur friend! |
Previously on The Real Slutbags of Bon Temps, er, I mean the cold open of this week's True Blood... Sookie spreads her legs like Moses and the Red Sea AKA Arlene's atrosh hair. For real though, does this fairy bitch not like blood running though the dick up her cooch or what? She only seems to wanna bone dudes with (literally) dead dix... Necrophilia Shambles. Oh and If Eric had just staked Bill in the heart with that fire poker I would have ran through my apartment complex shouting "Blessed Be" for all the heavens to hear. But alas it didn't happen. Now on to the show.
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------ERIC, SNOOKIE, BEEL, JESSICA, JASON, ALCIDE & DEBBIE------
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| The Fashion Police find u guilty of rockin' Goodwill fashions, Eric. Prepare to face the true death. |
ERIC: We're making progress here, the pacing of Eric's "who the fuq am I" bullshit isn't pissing me off. Two more eps and I hope he'll be back to normal. If anything can do that it's Sookie's fairy cooch, so here's to hoping next week Eric's back to raping Russian bitches in his sex dungeon of hell and looking like he needs a blood transfusion... just please-to promise us you'll keep your sleeveless hoodie and Harlem Globetrotter's shorts on preeze? Oh, and stop with that mushy Sookie love bullshit, I'm trynna keep my 16th piece of pizza down. Kthanxbai!
SOOKIE: Major hobag points to this sometimes side pony ferocia. Badass Sookie we fell in love with in season 2 was back in semi-hard full force this week. She worked that shotgun like a pair of Gucci shades, and stood up for her and her gap toothed ways of yore no matter what kinda supernatural beast was up in her face-parts. You go, Sook for making us hate you just that much less this week... keep it up for the rest of the season and we MIGHT have to take back 2.5 of the horrible things we've said about you sucking ass in Redux' past... guess only time will tell if that shit holds true either way.
BILL: Most not boring thing about Bill this week? His Skype sesh with Nan. Guess we won't see Nan again for a week or two until "that conference on the 29th" or whatever she said. So until then we're just gonna leave the rest of this section blank, because there's only so many ways you can type "bored, bored, snooze, he loves Sookie, bored" until it starts getting repetitive. Oh, other best thing. No Bortia Portia this week either. BLESSED BE!
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| Damn, Jess... Side Pony Ferocia incarnate much? |
JESSICA: Mini-Ferocia got some screen time without Hoyt this week, and it's like old times. I like how she's step-up 3D'ing herself by taking care of wittle Jason in his time of need. It's surprising she's such a cool chick considering her maker is about as exciting as watching water boil (and at least then you can make pasta afterward), but this isn't about Beel right now, it's about our fave red-haired vamp who did a few eps of ER Season 14 as a med student... so let's bask in that awesome (and Jason's) before we move on to Mr. and Mrs. Isitinyetimbored.
JASON: "What are you gonna do, change my kitty litter?" Oh, J-Stax, always bringin' the random one-liners aren't you? Jason worked the hell outta the lines he was given this week (per usual), but I have just one boner to pick with the team of awesome that are Alan Ball and his angels of de-shambling staff writers...
..Why-to is Jason not more effected by the rape-athon that he had to literally lie around for during the last four or so episodes? Please tell me how (and I realize Alan Ball has a "Jason must be shirtless and/or naked each episode" clause in his contract) Jason would be so cool with putting himself in the same situation sans meth-faced incest panthers that he endured by tying himself down to the bed in his skivvies? I'm not on board with how clean-slate Jayce seems to be after such a horrifying endeavor... but since no one wants to rape me, maybe I just don't get it. Stranger things have happened... like Jason turning into a were-panther NEXT month (AKA 25 seasons from now).
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| Hey, Debbie... Camera's over here. HUH? Blondes. |
ALCIDE & DEBBIE: They're trying so hard to get their money's worth for making Alcide a series regular, I'm just not sure Debbie "Blonde Streaks are so fetch" Pelt is the way to do it. (Oh I get it now! "Pelt"... lame). NTWayz, in addition to me wondering how these two are in Bon Temps for a wolfpack meeting (since I thought they lived in NOT Bon Tempts) there's trouble in purebred paradise (Shocker) as these two are on diff sides of the fence over said pack thing... can we just fast forward to Debbie going apeshit again and leaving slash dying so Sookie can start getting some LIVING dick in her cuchina for once? Operators standing bi-sexual.
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------LAFAYETTE & JESUS, TARA & LEZZY MCGUIRE, LADY MUMBS, FEROCIA------
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| Someburdy get dis Bruho bitch some acting lessons, stat! Sorry Laf. |
LAFAYETTE & BORES-US: Does NTbody else remember when Lafayette was all kindsa awesome? Now how many of you remember when he stopped it? That's right, it was around this time last year when Jesus came into his life. Well guess what, snake charming skillz or no snake charming skillz, Jesus doesn't always save (at least not in the case of TB). If pastel-face makes it to season 5 I'll throw away my Golden Girls DVDs, but something tells me my trash is staying empty cuz he's just around to introduce us to weird pixilated face witchery, AKA, the kind that sux and no one gives a shit about. I headed for the door to start my hallway "Blessed Be" shouting when Bores-us took a Rattlesnake fang to the neck, but of course he didn't croak (Shambles). Here's to hoping Halloween at the end of the season isn't so accommodating.
TARA & LEZZY MCGUIRE: Great banter between these two, except for the cliched "I hatechoo bitch, let's fuq" bullshit. That aside tho I like Tourguide Toni, er I mean Tara. And I'm on the edge of my dick wondering what's going down with Decomp Ferocia and Unbeweavable Tara. Methinks a full on knock down, drag queen outed, Lezbo kickboxing team of Buffy's vrs. near dead Ferocia Mortal Kombat attack is about to bless our face-parts. I also think it's gonna end in lezbo dead, and Tara even more pissed as fuq about some vamps. Either way, as long as Ferocia Pam lives (which she will cuz 1- she's getting a major arc next season about how she was made and 2 - I follow her on Twitter so she's clearly too awesome to kill) it's all good in the hood.
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| What's your favorite scary movie, Marnie? Ghostdad! |
MARNIE MUMBLEDORE: Marnie's still a cutter (gross Shambles), but bitch needs to start writing her Emmy speech toot stat! I never thought I'd say this, but Lady Mumbleade is slowly creeping onto Maryanne's territory for most awesome evil crazy bitch to bless the children and peeps in Bon Temps. I'm mad excited to see Marnie/Selma Hayek Witch kick some major vamp ass, and I know Marnz won't make it to season 5 once all this witch stuff is through, but if I've only got 6 more episodes with her, I'm gonna cherish each and every one of them like a box of dozen Krispy Kremes at 2 in the morning. You go, Ferocia 2.
FEROCIA: Half of bitch's face is falling off and I'd still hit it. Pam brought her usual sass, bitchery, and I don't give a fuq-ness this week. Keep it up as you rip through that lezbo flesh next week. Can't wait to see how you get your faceparts back, hopefully you'll pull a Texas Chainsaw Massacre and just rip someone else's off (Lezbo lover?) and wear that until you can get your normal Ferocia mask back.
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------TOMMY-SAM & TLUNA, SPAM, MAXINE------
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| Hey, Luna guess what time it is? 2 inches a cock? (witty bitch shamz) |
TOMMY-SAM & LUNA: In Toldja so news, that Are You Afraid Of The Dark Luna tale from the premiere is finally coming to small tittayed fruition. I love love love Tommy-Sam EVEN MORE than Tommy's almost-pubes that made another cameo this week. That puddle of kibble or body juice whatever on the floor aside, this skin walker shit could be deliciously interesting. As long as it doesn't turn into some kinda Parent Trap switch bullshiz, cuz if Lindsay Lohan is any evidence... these things usually don't end well. Oh yeah, and Luna was a Sookie-sized hobag in this episode too. Go Women's Rights.
SAM: Hey Spam, thanx for giving us some full moon man-ass to go with Tommy's full head'uh boy-pubes this week. Thanks also to real Sam Trammell for playing the hell outta Tommy-Sam. Please-to want more, bet that was super fun to play. You got the buns and chops to do it, now just keep it up like a hard ween cuz the voice AND the movements/cadence was right on. Now just give us some top-pubes like your bro and we'll call it a day.
MAXINE: One brief scene, but more than enough to make us lose our boners and start feeling sympathy... and hilarity. Go on Maxy gurl for pouring your sad, fat, lonely heart out. Methinks once Jess starts hittin' the skins with Jason, Hoyt'll be back in your loose fleshed arms in no time. Just hang in there, and make sure you buy a new Bible at the Dollar Tree, cuz I'm thinkin' Tommy's gonna need that shit more than you once next week's episode rolls around. Just sayin'.
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------HOLLY & ANDY, TERRY & ARLENE + DEMON BEBEH------
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| So then I just, like rocked the shit outta this flannel. Blessed be. |
HOLLY & ANDY: If there's anything I love more than the words "All You Can Eat" or "Children Not Allowed", it's the thought of Andy and Holly gettin' they relationship on. I can't believe it never occurred to me before to pair up these two... but now that it's in the brain-parts I can't stop obsessing over how perfect it is. Hopefully this'll work out and keep Holly and her unseen kids that I'm sure exist but need proof of anyways in town for Season 5... but I don't have high hopes since she's only around at this point to get her witch on.
I'm guessing too since her house is lookin' like my kitchen after an all-night Taco Bell binge that she might just leave since she's not blessed with a backup house like "normal" people. Here's to hoping diesel chair-lifting Andy once again saves the day and keeps her around (his squishy parts).
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| Is he supposed to be shoving that crucifix up his ass? |
TERRY, ARLENE & DEMON BEBEH: Love them still, warming up to the Demon Bebeh (no pun intended). Also love we finally peeped Felix the Armuhdilluh, even if Todd Lowe looked like he might shit himself holding that damn thing (but I think that might've been the point).
Either way, looks like Damien er Michael Myers or whatever that baby's name is is paving the way for ghosts next season, namely black slave ghosts that wink and wave at him. I'm sure the demon doll belonged to said Harriet Tubman impersonator or something to that effect (Ghosts do seem to like possessing them bitches nom style, or at least Witches summoned by Marnie and Rape Bruho Grampa who looks the same now as he did in his flashback 20 years ago). But by now if y'all ain't trynna get rid of that damn doll then you deserve to have your shit burnt to the ground by fire-starter bebeh ntwayz.
Either way, looks like Damien er Michael Myers or whatever that baby's name is is paving the way for ghosts next season, namely black slave ghosts that wink and wave at him. I'm sure the demon doll belonged to said Harriet Tubman impersonator or something to that effect (Ghosts do seem to like possessing them bitches nom style, or at least Witches summoned by Marnie and Rape Bruho Grampa who looks the same now as he did in his flashback 20 years ago). But by now if y'all ain't trynna get rid of that damn doll then you deserve to have your shit burnt to the ground by fire-starter bebeh ntwayz.
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| So pretty. Thanx bitch... u should see my cooch. |
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