The Bitch List: Runnin' Nowhere Loudly

Mmm Hmm... I will weave side-pony ur bitch ass back tude-uh hood.

     Happy hobags, you Slut-faced Simbajaws twins... The Bitch List is back with three hot-fresh topics worthy of my immaculate bitchery this week.  Topics deal with neglected animals owned by douchelord asswads, mini-mills of death which should never see the light of day for fear of killing everything in it's sights with Ugly Betty Moment pollution, and wraps up condom style with people who, like countless procedurals on CBS with initials in their titles, just need to fuqing die and go away already as enough is enough!  Whew, let me calm down, don't wanna blow my wad Lohan style up front.  But please-to do know that since you all got dicked yesterday with only one post, I'm gonna make the ones today a bit longer to satisfy the void-holes left in your carnal desire-parts.  So keep reading to see the specifics on the top three things worthy of my bitchitude...
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3 - Joggers With Cat-sized Dogs:

How the fuq is this fair?  Sweet mom-pants & nerd-shoes btdubz.

     Truth, something with four legs can more often than not travel farther and faster than something with two legs.  But when the two legged thing is well over 5ft, and the four legged thing could be mistaken for a cat, there's some common duh to consider here.  So lovely that you want to get your run on, but don't forget in your Lee Press-on covered, french tip encrusted hands is a leash attached to said cat-dog, and poor Mitsy can't keep up with you for very long.  So bless that little shit's heart for having to deal with your inconsiderate ass while you jog down the road at top speed while waving at everything with a dick that passes you by.
     Listen, I get it... you wanna flash your pet as an accessory while you're out flashing your tits and jammin' to Lady Gaga on your pink iPod shuffle... all good for you.  I understand too that dogs like to exercise and get out, and the most common form of this is walking alongside your bony Lulu Lemon wearing ass... just take a second to think of someone else, namely your pet for a second while walking said contained beast.  If the dog can barely take a shit without falling over, what makes you think it can keep up with you on your already-offensive-to-those-of-us-with-lard 3 mile run?

Bitch if you say "Green light" one more time.  I will KILL YOU!

     How would you like it if I tied you to a truck and then drove off at top speed for 3 or so miles?  No sweat off my ever-widening ass, but something tells me by the end of our little journey you'd look like half digested bacon fat with road chunks in it (DO NOT insert racist hate-crime dragging joke hurr).  Horrific visual aside, if you wanna go for a run with your pet, buy a cheetah, get a bigger dog, or (my fave option) don't go running... cuz it's not fair to the little pooches trying to keep up.
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2 - Treadmills:

I was told there'd be cheese. Yet I see no cheese.  It's on ur dick. Oh

     Number two on our list this week deserves its placement, since these death-traps are definitely shitty compared to the piss that is running in real time.  Don't get me wrong, running outside for real is bad enough, but add the element of rat on a wheel treadmill running, and things just shamble up exponentially.

     Not only are treadmills boring after about 5 seconds (no matter what version of Real Housewives is on the gym TV screen while running), but it's also a machine used to summon Ugly Betty moments with all the strength of 34657546 million True Blood Marnie Witches.  Case in point, I know I'm not the only one who busts my ass getting off and on these torture chambers.  I trip getting on because I don't step up high enough, and I trip getting off because my legs are two seconds from calling it quits, detaching themselves from my body, and kicking the shit outta me for putting them through the hell that was 5 minutes of running at 2mph.  

     Other offenders of the Ugly Betty embarrassment kind include: I always seem to pick the machine that's broken, so it squeaks when I run, thus annoying all hotties surrounding me for miles... not to mention what I like to call "clunky run".  That's when you're running and the tread on said mill is wearing out, so every step you take makes a thomp, thomp, thud! noise when you take a step.  Thus making it seem like you weigh 46,789 pounds and can shake the earth with each step, while also pissing off every hottie around for miles.

So... can I still get ur #?  I don't think so. (Story of my life shambles).

     All those looooovely situations aside, the worst is trying to hold a fart in while "running".  You try squeezing your butt-cheeks together while your legs are going back and forth whilst trying to keep your lard from collapsing over the emergency off switch and see how well you do... it ain't easy, and it happens to me EVERY TIME I get on this never-ending road to hell/nowhere.  Adding insult to injury, the more you try to hold said fart in, the greater the chance it'll come out as a loud QUEEEEEEFF! as you're tightening the hole with which said air escapes the clutches of you bacon-filled ass, thus causing a louder chamber of rotten death to be formed.  So usually, after all your hard work not to let it rip Dixie Chicks style, you do, and it's louder than it woulda been had you just parted with that air-sammy to begin with.
     And trust, no matter how quiet the fart is, or how loud the tools on either side of you are listening to their Gaga album on the ole iPod, treadmill farts are ALWAYS heard, and always smelled... and it's not like you can blame it on your neighboy, because he knows he didn't fart, and he also knows it came from your direction... so no matter how hard you try there ain't no backing outta that one.  Therefore, for all of the above and more, treadmills deserve a little bitch list lovehate, because the world needs to know the powers of evil these little beasts possess.
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1 - Fast Driving Loud Car Music Blaster Douches:

Congrats on your douchelord award... But where's ur dick?

     Ugh, these usually Armenian or White Guy thinking he's the second coming of Dr Dre types are the mothuhfuqin worst!  Not only is it just plain rude to blast your shitty expletive ridden music at full douche, but to do so in a closed off parking structure while barreling around at 50mph just to prove you don't have a baby-dick whilst also nearly decapitating and destroying everything in your way zit style, is really just unsafe and worthy of my bitchy hands of fuq you.

     It's bad enough that these people exist outside of parking structures and grocery store parking lots, but the fact that they flaunt their shiteousness while children (who admittedly are terrible) and other folks (who deservedly should be hit for being inconsiderate and stoopid) are walking around and minding their own bidness... well that's just douchey.  So proud of you for letting your eardrums bleed while all the hottest rap trax are blaring out of your 01' Ford Fiesta/97' Honda Civic, but I'm just trying to cross the street, not reenact a scene from Final Destination.

Outtamahway, Bitch... I gotsta get to Ross Dress For Less.

     I know this is wrong to think, and I don't really hate to say it, but I hope you kill a group of innocent school children while trying to flaunt your shit, cuz maybe then you'll see how douchey you are when you're serving life in the Pokey while some 600 black dude named Adrian Grenadine rapes you with a shard-glass condom on... safety first!  So, in Shammation... please-to keep your shitty driving and loud ass bumpabump music to yourself when driving 80mph in a place where the speed limit is 5, future dead pedestrians who probably deserved it and others who didn't will thank you for sparing their eardrums slash lives.