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| Maybe when we're their age it'll be true. Dammit, Hanna just smile! |
Wowwie, let me relax and eat something fried... Ok that's better, I'm calm. Don't wanna get all my anger and thoughts of brilliance out in the into. Aight, all good. Let's just kick back, bury ourselves alive, and peep this Summer finale PLL redux... cuz y'all ain't gettin' another one for a while...
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| Uh, Dr Posh Spice? U gotsum dead-as-fuq on ur Face. Thx Mona. |
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| Scuze, Office Douche. Ur fauxhawk be crooked. Shut up, Useless. |
----- Nice attempt to keep us in suspence, PLL... but anyone with half a brain knew the "mystery cop" that Indo-Mexi cop or whatever he is was talking to was Josh from Popular. And no matter what you say, I-M Cop, he ain't gettin' no promotion cuz he's on an MTV show and doing all this other shit too... so I'm hoping he gets killt or something before the end credits roll like Hanna's and my waistlines.
----- "Homicide is a capital offense in the state of Pennsylvania", thanks Popular Cop. Now tell me what state it isn't a capital offense in so that I can NEVER live there. And I don't care IF you're a cop, a nun, or a pedo like Mr Fitz...you don't tell (allegedly) 16 year old girls covered in dirt that they're "going down". Unless they're boys and it's me talking instead of you, then it's all good in the hood. :)
WHO?-MERCIAL BREAK
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How are H&M clothes so fashiony AND cheap? I mean I don't wear dresses since i'm not a girl/into drag, nor could I fit into one if I was... but $14.99 for a burlap sack lookin' dress seems like a steal. Guess they have more sweatshop kids than the Gap or Martha Stewart.
Cool, ABC Family, the world TV premiere of "Sweet Home Alabama", I knew there was a reason I waited literally 9 years NOT to buy that shit on DVD... and now I know why. It's so you can play it on TV for me for free... well that and the movie sux. Tomato/Tomahto
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BACK BACK BABY! |
| So U sleep with Adrian, then show me pix of Ur wife's cooch. Got It. |
----- I think Dr. Posh Spice has been out a lot longer than a night, dumb bitches... cuz if she still reads the newspaper she's not just stuck in "A's" sex dungeon of adult-napping, but also the year 1997.
----- OK, when you get a threat text from "A" saying "the doctor is out", and then the Doctor isn't at her house and has a weird voicemail on her phone, don't assume all is well and go off and lez-flirt with a 32 year old bitch back from gay-pot rehab. Oh and leave it to Hanna to reference food when dissing herself "I'm such a goober", well, Hefty H, "I'm such a Baconator".
----- Simbawjaws alert! Before I puke up my soon-to-be-devoured slice(s) of cake from Porto's, I'm just gonna look the other way and hope he goes away. Too bad that severed brake-line didn't do what "A" intended and kill SJ. Also Toby, the answer to your question, "If we had a real baby what would it look like?" Pretty sure a cross between a Tigershark (meaning half tiger/half shark), it would never die even though everyone wanted it to, and it'd probably wear a bunch of stupid hats and outfits that made it look like a sailor... so yes, your baby would be Lady Gaga's cat.
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| Bitch I smell fries. Ante up, Hawaiian Cop I know U'z gots some. |
----- And this shitshow just keeps getting worse and worse... Now Ezra is talking to Santana from Glee's older transvestite cousin/his ex Fiance', thank God Aria and her 45 pound scales of justice earrings are there lissyning in on the little puke/flirt fest, or... oh great now she's got a text from "A", and it's a mugshot of Posh Therapist from 1997 where she's holding a newspaper... "A" might be my bitch but Hobag needs to realize that one peep of that text from, oh I don't know, ANYONE would kinda let people on to your A-xistence.
HEY HO-MERCIAL BREAK
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cool, we're back to the usual Lying Game shitshow hawking and Tresemme' bullshit... oh and now we're adding Dolphin Tale to the mix, and some gaysian teen checking out fashions with his Acuvue contacts. I'm sure it's only a matter of time until the birth control commercial comes on... nope, just an acne one. Why aren't there any tampon commericals, doesn't that make more sen... OOOH Yo Gabba Gabba Live! 2 please. (I'm counting myself twice, seats are tiny after all.)
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LIKE THE LYING GAME RATINGS, WE'RE BACK (TO ZERO) |
| From Mona: "A" message to Spencer's Legs about her Vagina. |
----- And the winner for "Line that Gays and Lesbians across America chuckled at" comes from Lesbian Emily when she says; "That's a big box for an ear". You're welcome, vagina lovers.
----- Once again "A"... a ransom note and creepy dolls that talk are just evidence for these bitches to be like, um... cops that think we're guilty... check this shit out. Also, bonus passive aggressive bitchiness points to Spencer for grabbing the doll with the shitty hair and clothes and immediately knowing that it belonged to Aria. SIDE NOTE, I don't know what's more tragic, how tight Spencer is hugging her voodoo death "A" doll, or how upset Emily looks that she didn't get one.
----- Gah, former Ezra Beyonce, Jackie... don't you know anything? Clearly plagiarizing doesn't get you anywhere, look at Spencer... she stole Ugly Melissa's paper last year and someone tried to kill her, that someone is now dead, oh and she's also dating the most hideous thing to come along since The Lying Game... so think about that before you go through with it.
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| Excuse me, Stupid Bitch? I'm Ur daughter, Badina Fashionza. |
----- Hey Aria, first rule of blackmail club: You will be racially profiled for being a black male... oh wait scratch that. What I meant to say was, first rule of blackmail club: don't leave the only copy of proof you have against the person you're blackmailing with said person you're blackmailing. You wouldn't leave 10 chicken strips on the counter at KFC and say unless they gave you 10 chicken strips you're going to Bojangles would you? See how easy this is, you dumb mega-browed bitch? Also, are you sure you're not related to mega-brows Joshua on Project Runway? Cuz the resemblence is (like said brows) disgustingly obvious.
GUMMERCIAL BREAK
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Oh shit, y'all... PLL is brought to us by Olive Garden? Yeah, no that's not as great as it sounds. Were it brought to us by Marie Calendars? I might be eating my TV right now.
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BACK TO LIFE... BACK TO FAUXALITY |
| Dammit, Em. Thought U got rid of Ur Lezbo doll sex den? Nah. |
----- Mirror, Mirror on the wall. Em likes pussayz not man-balls. Where did that 1930's Elvira mirror come from in Hanna's room? Doesn't matter though, Mr Hanna's Dad is on the bed with his daughter, if Hanna were his son I might be writing about semi-bonez right now, but since it's not like that, all I can think about is how Hanna's robe is bacon colored. First correct wardrobe choice I've seen all season.
----- Meanwhile, in Toby's truck of ancient bullshit, I'm hoping Spencer sends his lion ass back out into Nowhereville forever. Blah Blah emotions, what is this the Crying Game now? If Toby says "You're not Sutton" or Spencer pulls out a dick I'm not sure if I'll love this show more or less. (more).
----- Neither happened, Spencer just went and cried by a tree so I'm still on the fence. Thank God British Wren was there peeping her from afar and living up to every British stereotype (small classic car? Check. Cup of coffee and/or tea and smug/concerned look on his face? Check. Uncircumsized ween? Probz. All he needs is a chimney sweep, to get on my nerves, and a pipe and the sterotype will be complete).
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| When I'm mayud, I break pencil laik it's Fitz' Pencil Dick! |
----- This scene brought to you by Toyota, and Emily's bitchy ass GPS. Closed captioning provided by the black doll that's supposed to be Emily. Way to go ABC Family, way to usher in some diversity. (Extreme sarcasm Shambles)
NUMB-MERCIAL BREAK
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NO FUQING WAY!!! Subway has fried chicken patties on a sub now? 4000 preez!
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AND WE'RE BACK! |
| Shit, I forgot the prop phone again! Fuqin mensies. |
----- Amazing. Not only was there a black person on PLL speaking, but it was NOT the usual go-to black cop. Even better? New Black Cop said "an anonymous tip led us to the suspects", then immediately after, Random Background ADR Voice said "Do you have any suspects?". Come on, PLL... If I've told you once, I've told you a magillion times! It's cald proofreading your work. I can mostly go without a shitty mistake and I only have a few hours to edit, you bitches get WEEKS!
----- Hanna-ble Lector looks hungry in that waiting room. And Spencer looks like Billy Loomis after it's revealed (SPOILER) that he's one of the killers in Scream. Cue random Spencer/British Wren scene where it's clear these two are getting together when Toby/Simbajaws (dear God preez) bites it 187 style. SIDE NOTE 2 - Thank you sooo much, British Wren for being the voice of reason, even if you didn't mean it the non-pedo-way you should have meant it: "I know this is incredibly wrong to say, but I'm desperate to kiss you". She's 16, you're like 27... wait two years and then it's still kinda creepy, but at least legal.
----- Meanwhile at the funeral, I mean wedding. Why is everyone dressed in black? Oh I see, it's cuz the main bitches (sans Hanna) are in bright colors, even though none them sluts iz be are virgins. Go KeanuCaleb, tell that Blonde bitch she a Hobag, but don't say "back fat" like it's a bad thing.
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| Grandma, what a bright Cooch you have. Ah laik it. |
----- Oh shit, Hanna's ruining the wedding Shambles are in effect. So glad "hooked up" means "slept together" and old bitch knows that. To me hooked up is like "got free cookies" or "caught a fish", but I guess I see the comparison.
----- So of course, Em's dumb ass got trapped in the closet, er I mean garage/barn of random death. Bitch I know you just a lezzy ho, but if I were you I'd bang a little bit harder on that door or on the window to the car, or at least take off your shoe, pull a Jasmine Sullivan by Bustin' Dem Windows out the carrrrrr, and turn that shit off... prollem solved, and you still look faboosh in your dress-parts.
----- So of course, Em's dumb ass got trapped in the closet, er I mean garage/barn of random death. Bitch I know you just a lezzy ho, but if I were you I'd bang a little bit harder on that door or on the window to the car, or at least take off your shoe, pull a Jasmine Sullivan by Bustin' Dem Windows out the carrrrrr, and turn that shit off... prollem solved, and you still look faboosh in your dress-parts.
DRAMZ-MERCIAL BREAK
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Actually, Dramzless... nothing exciting or NOT Tressemme this time. Wa waaaaa.
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BACK IT UP, BUTTERCUP... SHOWS ON! |
| OMG, Em! There's a black guy standing right behind you, look out! (Like Footloose they're forbidden in Rosewood) |
----- More black people, cool. They're of course being forced to play convicts, but at least it explains where all the black people in Rosewood are: the police station. They're either cops, convicts, 34 year old lezbos pretending to be 16, or the lady-dyke gym coach. So glad the diversity writing program I can't seem to get in to at ABC is paying off so well. (stone cold bitch/yeah I said it Shambles). SIDE NOTE 3 - Toby's in on the racism with his "I'm not your boy and I'm not leaving" back at black cop. What's next? N-bombs?
----- Great, Em passed out and now she's awake in Sookie Fairyland. Nope, just an Alison stuck in limbo excuse to give sheepdog face something to do. And said dog-faced bitch just gave props to the theme song "Because two can only keep a secret if one of them is dead". Vomit, that's worse than the Dawson's Creek finale when I think it was Joey who said "I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over, I wanna know right now what will it be". Oh you didn't REALLY see Alison, Emily... it's called a lezbo wet dream.
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| Can NOT believe she wore that! Oh hey, Aria. Didn't see U thurr. |
----- Ok sluts (Jenna and MexiCop), I know one of you is blind, but to reveal your big bad plan and making out while doing it in the POLICE STATION INTERROGATION ROOM is just axin' to get caught. Cameras you murderin' bitches, cameras.
TAG: That pie looks amazing. Wherever you are "A", please-to kidnap me and take me there, k? Oh, and random Mrs. Butterworth waitress? FUQ YEAH I WANT SOME PIE!
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| If I had a dick it'd be hard right now. Me too, Gay Lucas. |
VERDICT???
Ok, so it appears the suicide squad killed Alison, that would be Garrett MexiCop, Blindilox Jenna, and I'm guessing Dead as a doornail Ian was in on it too. Ian probs let some truth nuggets fly to Ugly Melissa, and shit got real. Also, can't wait to see how they try to keep Posh Therapist from opening her well coiffed mouth about who took her now that she's free of "A's" pie eating, glove wearing clutches.
As far as "A", I'm still on the tag team of Mona and Noel bandwagon. Pretty Eyes Noal does all the dirty work (oh yeah baby, HOT!), and Mona does all the terror texting and blackmailing. Here's to hoping we get the answer by season's end, cuz as I've said before, this bitch is losing interest in getting pissed that these hoez aren't any closer to the truth after so long. -----------------------------------------------------------------
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| Yes, UR daughter's ripped shirt is atrosh, but where U be dis week? |
Now, unless you bitches have mad reading comprehension skillz issuez, or are more shortbus than (fill in the blank with countless options), this was our last PLL Redux until January (sorta, see below for deets on that) when the show returns for the last 10 eppys of the Season... Here's to hoping this blog is still around in January, at the rate I'm losing followers on Twitter I could be in jail answering questions from former hot-ish cop (when he was on Popular) while covered in bacon grease dirt.
In the meantime, I'd love to hear what show you'd like me to Redux until then in the comments... but if yuh track recordz is consulted I've probably got a better chance of being skinny enough to pose for Maxim than getting more than one comment. NTWayz, passive aggressive Shambles aside, see you bitches in October for PLL Halloween, then see you back full time in January!
---- "A"drian Hungradine.
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