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| Talk about cutting the corncheeze! |
I honestly don't know what to say, Hobags... this week's True Blood was like a big juicy turd: a relief to get out and necessary for survival, but full of more un-digestable bits than a mouth full of cud. I won't get into the specifics of said corny and cheese bits until the full redux after the jump, but I hope you brought your double-ply Charmin, cuz you're in for one doo-doozy of a redux...
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| Damn, Ho it's cold as balls... literally. Why R we in Narnia again? |
Previously on Shoot Me In The Face, Bill gets all bloodeyes sad over Sookie's passed out ass, but gets points for his "werewolf shut the fuq up line". Also, Alcide and Bill together on screen while Sookie is near death before them is like having three of your least favorite veggies on a plate in front of you and no ranch dressing in sight... Now, on to the episode.
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------BEEL/NAN/JESSICA, JASON/HOYT, ERIC/SNOOKIE------
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| U can cross ur legs like me, Bill... but you'll never be as ferosh. |
BILL & NAN & JESSICA: Let's start off by saying that Bill opened the episode and early acts with more sass than half of one of Lafayette's doo-rags... could it be that he's starting to be kinda cool this season? Probs not, but we can pray on our moonstones that his upward trend continues upward like a zombie dick after Sookie talks to it.
But no matter how many mini-points Bill gets this week, they pale in comparison to the mega-tons of awesome that Nan was this week. With every "fuq you" she let fly from those blood-cooch red lips of hers, I fell in love with her pale dyke-hair self even more. Bitch has some serious Ferocia qualities in her, and said lack of Ferocia this week was made that much less un-bearable with good ole Nan by our sides to fill that sass void.
But no matter how many mini-points Bill gets this week, they pale in comparison to the mega-tons of awesome that Nan was this week. With every "fuq you" she let fly from those blood-cooch red lips of hers, I fell in love with her pale dyke-hair self even more. Bitch has some serious Ferocia qualities in her, and said lack of Ferocia this week was made that much less un-bearable with good ole Nan by our sides to fill that sass void.
Finally we come to Jessica who got like 2.5 seconds of screen-time this week. I think she was only there to give Nan someone to talk to other than Bill, and to give Jason someone other than "everyone" to bone. This little fuq triangle she's got going with Jason and Hoyt will not be ending well, you can believe you me. DRAMZ!
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| U & Jess did what? Tell me again, but rembur I'm 45ft taller 'n U. |
JASON & DOLT: Not much to say on these two this week, Hoyt was pretty much just there to make the soon to cum (see what I did there?) boning betwixt Jason and Jessica that much more escandalo. Not sure I like how Maxine-hate-crime Hoyt's becoming... it's charming on Maxine, but with Hoyt we know he knows better.
Speaking of knowing better. Rape Jason needs to chill out with all that Jess sexin' mess. He also needs to 86 that white trash goatee and shades/hat look he's rockin' cuz he's just one blue bullet proof vest away from becoming Deputy Travis Junior from Reno 911.
Speaking of knowing better. Rape Jason needs to chill out with all that Jess sexin' mess. He also needs to 86 that white trash goatee and shades/hat look he's rockin' cuz he's just one blue bullet proof vest away from becoming Deputy Travis Junior from Reno 911.
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| Your hand tastes like Bill's ass. I know, tee hee. |
ERIC & SOOKIE: The boring twins were mostly separated this week, and there aren't any complaints here. I like zombie Eric, but can't stand "Blood dream Sookie and Friends". I've never gotten a headache from rolling my eyes so hard before, but that whole threesome dream sequence broke my non-streak.
Sookie is trying her fairy ass off to not just be some side-car Hobag to Bill and Eric, and I get that the little sequence of boredom was supposed to be her expressing how she really feels or whatever... but has Sookie really been reduced to just a pawn who's only purpose is to choose between two dead-dicked suitors? I know she's more than that, so why is it she's such a submissive snooze when Jason's out banging every virgin and supernatural being under the moon? Go Women's rights or whatever, but if I were Sookie I'd be like, "neither" and go after some Alcide while she still can. At least he won't grovel and wine over her like all her other boos, and his dick ain't dead, just hairy.
Sookie is trying her fairy ass off to not just be some side-car Hobag to Bill and Eric, and I get that the little sequence of boredom was supposed to be her expressing how she really feels or whatever... but has Sookie really been reduced to just a pawn who's only purpose is to choose between two dead-dicked suitors? I know she's more than that, so why is it she's such a submissive snooze when Jason's out banging every virgin and supernatural being under the moon? Go Women's rights or whatever, but if I were Sookie I'd be like, "neither" and go after some Alcide while she still can. At least he won't grovel and wine over her like all her other boos, and his dick ain't dead, just hairy.
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---TARA/LADY MUMBZ/HOLLY, LAF/H-TUBZ/JESUS---
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| Swan dive, bitches! Ferosh hair, Holly. Now smell mah pitts! |
TARA & MARNTONIA & HOLLY: Three cheers of awesome to these bitches this week. The Marnie's Angels are in full force and realizing the error of their ways for backing up this awesomely possessed Wicca bitch. I'm hoping deep down in my heart that there's a way to kill Selma Hayek witch without harming Marnie, but either way I'm thinkin' we won't be seeing Lady Mumbleade next season so I should just count my blessings while I have them. Marnie was the most awesome shit to come along since maple syrup fried bacon (Kiki shoutout) again this week. I swear this woman could fart and It'd be Emmy worthy. Bitch is super pissed, and this whole "takeover the vamps at the convention" plan of hers is bad to the mothuhfuqin ass. I knew the tittie triplet vamp council had to be around for some kind of purpose, now we know it was to become pawns for Marntonia (AKA vamps they can kill in the fight that aren't our main cast). Long story short, go Marnie... you could possess me anytime you wanted.
Tara seems to be coming back to team good side now that something other than a vampire is holding her hostage and threatening her life, methinks maybe Tara isn't gonna be Buffy so much as Witch killer once the shit progresses and merges completely with the metaphorical fans. I still feel like Tara's days might be numbered, and as much as I love her, it would really set some shit off if she kicked it or turned into a vampire somehow. As for Holly, bitch is fierce, and still mentions her kids who we've never seen or heard. I mean, I get it, they're not that important to the story, but don't bring them up all the time if we're never gonna see them. It's like talking about your huge dick and never showing us, eventually talk isn't as legit as 40 pounds of meat calling youDaddy Mommy.
Tara seems to be coming back to team good side now that something other than a vampire is holding her hostage and threatening her life, methinks maybe Tara isn't gonna be Buffy so much as Witch killer once the shit progresses and merges completely with the metaphorical fans. I still feel like Tara's days might be numbered, and as much as I love her, it would really set some shit off if she kicked it or turned into a vampire somehow. As for Holly, bitch is fierce, and still mentions her kids who we've never seen or heard. I mean, I get it, they're not that important to the story, but don't bring them up all the time if we're never gonna see them. It's like talking about your huge dick and never showing us, eventually talk isn't as legit as 40 pounds of meat calling you
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| Ur hairz looks like shit. Nah uh, urs do. Ooh watermelon! |
HARFIETTE & BORESUS: I honestly thought I'd turned the channel and was somehow watching Cops when the whole standoff for the white trash bebeh went down. Laf tried his best to be Harriet Tubman, but it just wasn't working for me during the standoff. Yes his acting was good, but it was just odd to see all the tackling on the lawn and baby cradling going on while guns were firing and spirits were digging up their dead bebehs. Also, the whole ghost leaving the body in yellow light and then walking off made me wanna puke it was so corny and cheese filled... I really thought someone had switched my TV from Cops to Charmed somehow when I blinked. Hope this means this whole bebeh doll useless storyline is over with. Maybe like that whole murder on Friday Night Lights storyline we can just shut our eyes and pretend it never happened.
As for Boresus, he still sucks, he's still lame, he still can't pull off those scrubs. But he wasn't unbearable as usual, but he was his usual level of useless. Bitch must have graduated from the Drew Barrymore school of Overacting or something, because he was really giving mad eyebrows this week, and not in the good way. Please-to take your seat next to Lucy Hale and Joshua from Projcet Runway this season, megabrow-sus. Oh, also, die or leave already, you're still making Lafayette's medium ass sooooo boring.
As for Boresus, he still sucks, he's still lame, he still can't pull off those scrubs. But he wasn't unbearable as usual, but he was his usual level of useless. Bitch must have graduated from the Drew Barrymore school of Overacting or something, because he was really giving mad eyebrows this week, and not in the good way. Please-to take your seat next to Lucy Hale and Joshua from Projcet Runway this season, megabrow-sus. Oh, also, die or leave already, you're still making Lafayette's medium ass sooooo boring.
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------SAM/LUNA, ALCIDE/DEBBIE/MARCUS, TOMMY------
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| Surryously, floppy tits; die or get interesting. Ain't no other choices. |
TUNA SAMMY: More of the same from these two: happy family, my ex is dangerous, let's bone, ooh a rabbit, this little Dora the Explorer child actress isn't half bad but like an anal polyp, I never axed for her in the first place. Methinks they're just tiding us over with Luna titties and lame place-holder story lines until the end of season Halloween royal rumble between all these supernatural fux.
Oh, and Luna's line about not wanting to run away from her prollemz, bitch I'm pretty sure sometime in the next 3 episodes left in the season you're gonna be doing just that. Hope you had fun while you lasted, but it's time for you to move on. Please-to take nearly everyone else not named Pam, Nan, Holly, Andy, Baconator, or Lafayette with you... kthanxbai
Oh, and Luna's line about not wanting to run away from her prollemz, bitch I'm pretty sure sometime in the next 3 episodes left in the season you're gonna be doing just that. Hope you had fun while you lasted, but it's time for you to move on. Please-to take nearly everyone else not named Pam, Nan, Holly, Andy, Baconator, or Lafayette with you... kthanxbai
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| I hate Sookie sooo murch. Then why u trynna look like her, bitch? |
KIND ANG QUEEN LAME TWINS & MARCUS: In "I called it" news. Debbie's back on that V juice, and with it her crazy slash "I needstuh kill Sookie" urges are back as well. It's been nice knowing you, Debbie, but I think this time you're out of luck. I'd be surprised if we see your name in the credits next season, cuz lord knows you're not outliving Sookie, and without Alcide you're nothing. Enjoy your canine herpes from Marcus when the two of you inevitably hook up and go off into the moonset together, AKA get killt slash sent away forever in banishment.
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| This be my Ernest Looks Stupid impression. Eyyyew, rembur him? |
NOMMIE: He had about as much time as Jessica this week, AKA next to none. But he's shifting into Sam and such and methinks this will lead to his death. Like an addiction to porn or chicken nuggets, too much of a good thing always leads to prollemz, and for Tommy I'm pretty sure this means death, and hopefully it's at Sam's hands so he can start skin walking too but control his shit so he don't die. The end.
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------TERRY/ARLENE + DEMON BEBEH, ANDY, PAM------
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| Okuur, this bebeh just burnt mah neck. Nah babe, he just farted. |
TERRY & ARLENE & PROLLUM CHYLE: Nothing I love more than an old fashioned white trash, redneck shootout over a kidnapped demon bebeh of death. It's not looking good for Terry though, his PTSD seems to be rearing it's ugly-as-Portia self, and this will of course lead into Scott Foley's appearance at season's end (which makes me want to kill myself because when I think TB I think Punky Brewster before I think Scott Foley), but I digress.
Poor Arlene can't seem to catch a break. Whether it's a serial killer hubby, or a demon spawn that brings on shitty acting and special effects during a ghost shedding or whatever that was, Arlene just can't have a normal day like all the rest of us... but that's why I love her and hope she stays around for the duration of the series. Oh, and, now that this shit is over with they're gonna think lil' Mikey ain't possessed NTmore and that it was all that French bitch's fault... I'm pretty sure you're wrong. Fire baby ain't done tormentin' yet, Hobags.
Poor Arlene can't seem to catch a break. Whether it's a serial killer hubby, or a demon spawn that brings on shitty acting and special effects during a ghost shedding or whatever that was, Arlene just can't have a normal day like all the rest of us... but that's why I love her and hope she stays around for the duration of the series. Oh, and, now that this shit is over with they're gonna think lil' Mikey ain't possessed NTmore and that it was all that French bitch's fault... I'm pretty sure you're wrong. Fire baby ain't done tormentin' yet, Hobags.
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| Dammit, Spam... youz got 675 flannel shirtz but no V? Shambles. |
ANDY: Bitch needs to get his ass to Intervention, and he can take meth-faced Debbie with him. I love Andy to bacon bits, but it saddens me to see him struggle with his V addiction. Not much to say on our fave Sheriff this week other than "hang in there, Hobag". I'm sure he'll kick his habit like he kicked booze, but much like kicking a small animal, there will be consequences, some of which (I'm sure) will be hilario. Methinks it may lead to Jason taking over as Sheriff, or (even better) Kenya! A boi can dreamz.
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| She said it make me look like Mike Jaxon, she was right. Too soon? PAMROCIA: It's a sad day when we go a whole episode without our beloved Pam. So I'm gonna pretend she was all over this episode and all kindsa awesome as usual, just so I can show a picture of her with a sassy caption below it. Glad I could keep her spirit alive. Here's to hoping she's in next week's installment, cuz if she's not the Committee of Strongly Worded Letters is gonna sharpen their pens and getstuh writing Mr Alan Ball & Friends. ------------------------------------ |
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| Uh, scuze meh, preez... when is our bitchasses coming back? |
NOT PICTURED THIS WEEK, THANK GOD - Godrick, Portia, Crystal Meth Tits
NOT PICTURED THIS WEEK, HOW DARE YOU - Kenya, Lettie Mae, PAM!?!, Maxine.
NOT PICTURED THIS WEEK, HOW DARE YOU - Kenya, Lettie Mae, PAM!?!, Maxine.
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In Shammation, this week we had a whole lotta shitty effex and hints that somewhat suggest Bill isn't as lame as we thought, but I'm certain next week things will be back to normal; the effex won't be shitty, but Bill will.
---- Later, Possessed fang bangers.
---- Later, Possessed fang bangers.
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