Fat Club - Fatter Rules & Reguweightions

OMG, a Sale!  2 for 1 Baconators! (head exploding non-Shambz)

     That gurgling sound you hear isn't your "I didn't know I was preggo" baby kicking for freedom at the nearest McDonald's bathroom before your shift starts, it's the rumblings in your tum that another edition of Fat Club is here for you to digest and let settle in your tummy-ass-&-thighs regions.  So pick up those chins, peel back the folds covering your eyes, and peep these super obese further rules and reguweightions...

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Gimme dem Milx NOW!

     For those of your who may have left the couch since the last Fat Club post, although I don't know why anyone ever would get off their ass for anything... let's recap rules 1-4 to refresh your regular Coke filled mind-parts.

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Six dozen preez!  Pleasetokthanxbai.

1st rule of Fat Club: Never split brownie wedges, not with your boring sister, not with anyone.  

2nd rule of Fat Club: For every fatty there is an equal and opposite re-fatty.

3rd rule of Fat Club:  There is no such thing as one last supper, or a final meal... not even death can keep us from nomming.

4th rule of Fat Club: Never throw food away, even if it tastes like shit... cuz anything can be made to taste better with ketchup and/or icing.

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One-way ASAP ticket to Iowa preez!

     There, now that we're all caught up like a last place finisher in a bacon eating contest (amateur) let's lift our 45 pounds of leg flesh and step forward to expose not just sweat flaps and that iPod you lost a month ago, but also fatter further rules and reguweightions that you NEED to obey in order to remain in Fat Club.

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Gimme dem tittayz!  I'm sorry, I just wanted cold Oreo's. 

Reguweightion:  According to Pretty Little Liars, episode 209... The best place to keep your cookies fresh is the local morgue... we agree, now who wants to die so we can get suh milk and cookeez?

5th rule of Fat Club:  There's no such thing as "no" when it comes to nomz.

6th rule of Fat Club:  Never refuse food when it's put in front of you, even if it's covered in anti-pain cream. 

CAHOOTS!  This no taste laik pretzel.  Where iz chzburgerz (2 soon)?

Reguweightion:  Licking the salt off of pretzels does not count as lunch (it's pre-bite etiquette).

7th rule of Fat Club:  Don't underestimate the power of the fat, it WILL find a way into the drive-thru.  

8th rule of Fat Club:  There's no such thing as bad fat, unless it's unsaturated.  

Bitch get dem veggie shitz outs mah face 'for I spatula kill ur ass!

Reguweightion:  You can't be responsible for what comes out of your mouth if nothing's going in it.  When one isn't fed properly, mood swings result and verbal barbs go flying.  It's just a matter of biology. 

9th rule of Fat Club:  Like spouses who don't appreciate carbs, diets are meant to be cheated on as food is always worth the guilt. 

10th rule of Fat Club:  Never say "no" when asked if you want to supersize that combo as doing so isn't a bad thing, it's just good business.  Since when was saving 55 cents a bad thing?
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I'm with you, dog.  Horrible bangs aside he or she gots the goodz.

     So there you have it, the ten commandments of Fat Club are laid out there before you like an all you can eat steak and Chipotle buffet.  And like said buffet, if you don't take everything you can from these rules and reguweightions than you're not truly in the Fat Club and deserve to be shunned to either the gym or the produce aisle of your local grocer and forced to eat everything in the "Organic" section (death is a far less cruel fate).  
     And with that I'll leave you with a sliver of cake I mean lyrics from the Fat Club pledge of allegiance... Happy eating and keep on treating... yourself to cake and cookies and bacon and fries, cuz if you don't.. you just might die.  Until next time, Lardos.