Holy Hot Messes - Bangin' Dem Fried Collars

I have that same outfit in white, but it's XXXL.

     Happy Friday, Slutnuggets.  It's time for another edition of Holy Hot Messes.  This time we're bringin' the heat like slutty gennies at a coochie clam bake.  So hold on to your hair donts, plug in your vibrators, and please-to de-douchify that outfizs cuz once you click on that "keep reading" shit, it's time to get our demon worship on with these person, place, and thing holy as hell hot messes...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

PERSON(s):  Horrible Bang People

Please-to kill urself, SB.  This is worse than Speed 2: Cruise Control.

    Don't act surprised by this one.  I'm shocked after all my bitching I haven't written about these travesties in the HHM section until now, our third month of Shamblette's.  There's nothing I can say that the image above doesn't already scream at you like a mother who disapproves of your use of wire hangers.  The facts are that if you look like a toy soldier and/or sheep dog, you should be murdered like a soldier on the battlefield or forced into a life of slavery like a sheep dog... it's not different than if your face looked like a toilet seat and you were surprised that so many people shit on you whenever you opened your mouth... er something.
     I get it people, you're trying to look classy and chic, but unless you're French slash your name is Amelie, you're Asian, and/or you're Brittany from Top Model Cycle 15, you CAN NOT pull off the straight bang long sides look, okurr?!  But don't get me wrong, just because the staright bang is the worst offender, doesn't mean the long bang isn't also offensive.  Basically, unless your shit is swooped to the side or your name is Lady Gaga, your bangs are hideous and there's no excuse other than you're an idiot for why you look like an idiot.  TRUST!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

PLACE: Fry's Electronics

Is that a topiary?  I just need an Ethernet cord, dude.

     If you've ever had a good experience at Fry's, kill yourself because you're truly evil.  For those who don't know, Fry's is a technology store with like 150 aisles and about 400 employees all chomping to assist you like their survival depends on helping you find that connector thingy.  You think I'm lying, but a recent trip to Fry's led to this response when asking where the wireless routers are "Try aisle 122"... I nearly threw up my Baconators when I heard that and realized I was currently standing in aisle 3.  FML doens't even begin to describe how terrible I felt when I realized I'd have to walk somewhere that wasn't from the couch to the fridge.

May I fuqing eat help you?

     Each store also has a theme, like "aliens" or "jungle krunk" or something, which means that, throughout the vast wasteland that is the store from death, random monsters and shit based on said theme are throughout the store.
    This seems cool in theory, but when all you want is a wireless router, and instead you're attacked by Armenian employees with unibrows and a (probs/I wish) thick choad dick boning through his shitty khakis to help you... and/or/slash a 50 ft octopus monster wedged between two fake bushes shaped like vagina-puss pubes, you really start to see through the charm and wonder why your dumbass didn't just go to Best Buy or Target like every other drone too scared to battle with Fry's.  Maybe next time I'll learn, but among the 75 checkout registers, they have this delish Acai and Pomegranite Vita-Coco water that my carnal desires can't resist... so maaayyybe I'll be back (return shambles).
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

THING: Popped Collars

Excuse me, Kind Sir... but you've got some douche on ur everything.

     Again, I can't believe I haven't given this shit the HHMess treatment yet, and I feel like I've maybe bitch listed this tragedy before, but whatev if I'm repeating myself because sometimes evil needs to be addresses twice in order to fully remove it from the world.  Popped collars are stupid, the modern turtleneck as I have grown to call them and we all know how hideosh turtle nex are.  So unless you've got a big ass hickey from last night's Maryanne True Blood orgy or tried to kill yourself and REEEAALLLY misjudged where your wrist was, I DOES NOT wanna see your neck hidden by that dumbass popped collar, mkay?
     Douchelordfratasses who I of course can't stand but want to bone anyway are always trying to make this shit work... well sorry, Gretchen, "fetch" didn't work and neither does this look.  The only exception to the rule is if you're rocking tennis fashions, sometimes those bitches look good on the court, but it only works with ladies.  Like a gaping pus-filled herpy hole, I DO. NOT. WANT. to see a popped collar on a man cuz, like being skinnier than me or allergic to chicken strips, the mere sight of you looking the way you do makes me instantly dislike you for selfish reasons.  So take it from my IMDB page slash life-quotes which also double as inappropriately-timed boner advice when I say, "Trust me, the collar was meant to stay down".  So lissy up, dickhole and please-to don't make me random bless/rape you for not following orders.