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| Hey, "Sookie"... See title of post for witty caption. |
Oh my, oh my, oh my, Fang Bangers. Can you believe there's only two episodes left of the season until TB is gone and there's only 39877 million other vampire shows to watch until next Summer? Me either, but I'll stop yappin' and get to the recappin' cuz more shit went down this week than a flat-headed, waist-tall being, no tooth having whorebag festival in BJville. We lost some serious pubes this week (RIP you-know-who), AND got some heated dramz going like Jessica's sure to now be crab infested dead ass fire-crotch.
So with that burned into our minds forever, and like a double dose of morning after pill that makes your dead dick related Shambles go away toot suite, peep on up in this Redux to see what pre-fetal goodies you forgot to sort through from last night's festivities...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------So with that burned into our minds forever, and like a double dose of morning after pill that makes your dead dick related Shambles go away toot suite, peep on up in this Redux to see what pre-fetal goodies you forgot to sort through from last night's festivities...
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| I was the SHIT in Fools Rush In, y'all. TRUST! |
This opening teaser massacre brought to you by, 1-800 Dentist, with special funding provided by convenient plot point brought on by Sookie's fairy powers of breaking all spells (so sad slave Eric didn't last longer, but so glad Pam's face is back in all it's gloryhole glory). Promotional consideration provided by Nan's kick-assery; bitch looks good in blood. So sad to see hot young vamp gone in a matter of seconds and dyke vamp & terrible Blacktor made the cut as Marnie pawns, but if I were to meet the true death I'd want it to be at the well oiled hands of Nan Flannery so not all is that Shambled.
Even sadder news in that Bill once again was nearly killed, yet didn't bite the big wooden stake sized bullet (mmm steak)... Oh and one more thing, MOTHERFUQIN Shambles for having to peep Godrick's boring won't die ever ass if only for a few milliseconds in that little Eric remembers montage! Whew, ok... relax and eat a pissa, Adrian... Now on to the episode.
Even sadder news in that Bill once again was nearly killed, yet didn't bite the big wooden stake sized bullet (mmm steak)... Oh and one more thing, MOTHERFUQIN Shambles for having to peep Godrick's boring won't die ever ass if only for a few milliseconds in that little Eric remembers montage! Whew, ok... relax and eat a pissa, Adrian... Now on to the episode.
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------BEEL/NAN, ERIC/SNOOKIE/FEROCIA, JASON/JESSICA/HOYT------
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| This my half face missing Pam impression. U likes? |
BILL & NAN: Nan was awesome this week of course, but like a hot mess drag queen or makeup lady at the mall, she was also piling on the by the rules authority bitching a bit too much that I almost lost sight of her true self for a minute... but she's still kicking it so I ain't complaining too much.
As for Bill, he didn't annoy me this week cuz he wasn't pining for Sookie's fairy cooch, but I'm not buying his whole badass vamp death squad look either, only Pam and Jess can pull that look off without looking like some kinda slow-mo 98 degrees video from 1998... sad but true, Beel... I just tell it like it is be.
As for Bill, he didn't annoy me this week cuz he wasn't pining for Sookie's fairy cooch, but I'm not buying his whole badass vamp death squad look either, only Pam and Jess can pull that look off without looking like some kinda slow-mo 98 degrees video from 1998... sad but true, Beel... I just tell it like it is be.
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| I called dibbs on that last Baconator, bitch! I will fuq u up! |
GAPTOOTHIE & ERIC & FEROCIA: More boring love talk betwixt Eric and Sook-breath this week. Consider my eyes officially rolled. I almost forgot Eric was on this show until the end when he and the vamp suicide crew pulled up with rocket launchers et all to blow Marnie's cooch den to smithereens and (hopefully) take Jesus and the other useless background witches with it. Cuz honestly, now that Holly and Tara are outta there no one gives two shits and a fuq about anyone else inside... and like Jessica said "I just wanna kill shit", well our little Mexi-Bruho is probably the biggest piece of useless shit you could ever find to kill... Go vamp squad go.
I must however say that Sookie's hair was lookin' mighty ferosh this week, and she was out with people not named "Bill or Eric", so rumblings of her former awesome began to come out like random plot-destroying rays of Fairy Jizz lightning... keep it up, bitch and I might have to start giving you your own section like Pam.
Speaking of witch (see what I did there?) Ferocia was in half-force this week. She didn't get any zingers, but she got her old face back and we can't axe for much more than that. Oh, also props points as she was the baddest bitch of the bunch in that little last scene of the show slow-mo march of death, so for that ten more points to team Slytherin, er I mean Pamrocia.
I must however say that Sookie's hair was lookin' mighty ferosh this week, and she was out with people not named "Bill or Eric", so rumblings of her former awesome began to come out like random plot-destroying rays of Fairy Jizz lightning... keep it up, bitch and I might have to start giving you your own section like Pam.
Speaking of witch (see what I did there?) Ferocia was in half-force this week. She didn't get any zingers, but she got her old face back and we can't axe for much more than that. Oh, also props points as she was the baddest bitch of the bunch in that little last scene of the show slow-mo march of death, so for that ten more points to team Slytherin, er I mean Pamrocia.
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| Relax dat ass, Jayce. It only hurtz a bit, then starts feelin' good. |
JASON & JESSICA & HOYT: Jason's still an oof, and I'm still upset he's not more effected by his gang rape torture earlier this season. I mean, come on, he was tied up for like 4 episodes, and after all that dick cheese buildup and near death he's more concerned with Jessica's death cooch than he is that he might have some mad STD's and maybe a bit of un-dealt with issuez? But I'm (obviously) not Jason Stackhouse so whatta I know? And Jessica? I'm loving her wanting to kill everything not nailed down like I want to eat it. Homegirl is surryously getting more mature, even if every time she cheats on Hoyt with probs-got-Herpes Jason, she's gotta bust that hiym like a bottle of 2 buck Chuck from Trader Joes. Keep it up, little red one... and please-to don't get your ass kilt, mkay?
As for Hoyt, he got like half a second this episode, but clearly he's more upset about his current dramz than Jason is with the fact that he didn't share that yumbo bacon and OJ he was nomming on with me and Kiki. Me-still thinks he's gonna go back to momma Maxine once he realizes Jason's eating Jess' clam bakes and he's got no one left to turn to but that curler-wearing racist bitch we all know and love. Oh how I luz this show so.
As for Hoyt, he got like half a second this episode, but clearly he's more upset about his current dramz than Jason is with the fact that he didn't share that yumbo bacon and OJ he was nomming on with me and Kiki. Me-still thinks he's gonna go back to momma Maxine once he realizes Jason's eating Jess' clam bakes and he's got no one left to turn to but that curler-wearing racist bitch we all know and love. Oh how I luz this show so.
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------TARA/HOLLY, LADY MUMBZ, LAF/JESUS------
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| Bitch do I look laik I speak Latin? Naw... eat mah pussay! |
TARA & HOLLY: Dear Alan Ball and Friends. Please-to get on it with the TB spinoff known as Toni & Holly: Witchy Bitches Wif Prollemz. I swear these two together trynna figure out spells and Latin and shit was definitely entertaining. I'm seeing now that they're trying to redeem Tara for her wrongdoings by once again making her the victim, so maybe they won't kill her randomly lezbo ass... but something deep within' me not bacon flavored is wondering if her swan song is in fact to come this year.
As for Holly, bitch is kicking serious ass with her old-faced self. Just one pursing of her witchy lips makes me feel all tingly inside and downtown like when we used to climb the rope in gym class. I surriously hope bitch don't kick it, cuz I'm pretty sure once this season of the witch stuff is over with, then Holly might be too.
As for Holly, bitch is kicking serious ass with her old-faced self. Just one pursing of her witchy lips makes me feel all tingly inside and downtown like when we used to climb the rope in gym class. I surriously hope bitch don't kick it, cuz I'm pretty sure once this season of the witch stuff is over with, then Holly might be too.
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| Witch, wha'chu say? U got no mo' curly fries? CURSED BE! |
MARNTONIA: Ok, so Hobag goes from a mumbling idiot early in the season to a psycho bitch who's trying to convince the ghost that was turning her loco that they need to kill everything not named "Earth Mother". I'm not sure I like this evil Marnie, to me she was just a weirdo who got possessed and thus became a victim, but it all coulda been over once Selma Hayek witch left her, but no... now Marnie is out for some mad blood, and I don't like it cuz her legit being evil means she's prolly on her way to Maryanne, Russell, and Franklin ville, AKA the place where awesome goes to die once Bon Temps is done with them.
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| B no scared, just gonna choke U to death b4 U decide to be relevant. |
LAFFY TAFFY & BORESUS: I sear Laf has a new hairstyle every episode, and in the course of this season it's only been like 3 days, certainly glad that bitch has time in between being possessed by Harriet Tubman and dating the most boring Mexican to come along since Carlos Mencia tuh get his ass to the beauty salon to get his hair did in shiteous fashion. He truly does have a special gift. As for the guy named after our Lord and Savior (no not Alan Ball/Bjork/Dave Thomas), J-man isn't worth any words of sass. Cuz for realz, if he's not gonna do anything useful from week to week, then I'm not gonna either in regards to his lame shiteous robe wearing ass.
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------ALCIDE/TOMMY/SAM, DEBBIE/MARCUS------
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| This be serial killer chic, y'all. U gonna finish that? |
THOMAS THE STANK ENGINE & ALCIDE & SPAM: Well in "I called it News", looks like we lost dear Thomas to the skin crawling/got his ass kicked elements. I'll take payment in the form of bacon flavored stuff. And while it was a suck balls type of situation as Tommy lay bloody, choking, and dying, the evil in me couldn't help but get offended as said dying Tommy was doing all his bleeding etc on top of the pool table, and those shits aren't cheap so if I were Sam I'd have more than just "my brother dying in front of me after my new bitch's ex beat his ass" on my mind making me pissed, I'd be worried about gettin' all that blood and pubes outta the pool table felt... but I guess our priorities lie elsewhere since Sam's all "Imma kill dat werefolf fuq" (so that Alcide can take over as pack leader of course and Debbie can have more reason to meth out further until she dies). RIPubes Tommy.
Meanwhile Alcide still continues to exist for the sake of just being another hot thing to look at and get boners over, here's to hoping once Debbie is out the picture for good and he's free to get a decent/his own storyline that he'll do something more than take his shirt off and be one of three loser boring idiots who froth over Sookie's fairy cooch.
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| I'm Vumpar, I mean Wurwolf. What my line again? "Sookie no". Oh. |
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| It not wut look like. Ain't got no boner. Thx, Deb but I axed Marcus. |
PUBE PACK BITCH & JOHNNY DEPP WOLF: Got like one scene, it's exactly as I thought. These two bone and run off into death together when Alcide and Sam show up looking to Kill Bill Marcus. Alcide and Deb gawna fight, shits gonna hit fans... and then I'll probably never have to write about these Jerry Springer Guest twins ever again.
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------TERRY/ANDY, ARLENE + DEMON BEBEH------
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| Outta muh faceparts, Arlene. Sry, jus tellin' U da bebeh on fire. Oh. |
TERRY & V-FACED ANDY: The other spinoff next to Witchy Bitches with Toni and Holly has GOTTA be The Terry and Andy Bellefleur Comedy Hour, it'll be set at "Fort Bellefleur", and basically just be the two of them fighting as Terry's pet Armadillo, Felix and Maryanne's pet Pig that Andy kept seeing in Season 2 root them on (then we eat the pig, Baconators for all!). For realz though, these two doofuses are pure gold. I seriously hope nothing happens to either of them death-wise, ever... and I don't think it will, but you never know in Bon Temps. In other news, I like the bond these two are forming, and I really like the way these two play off one another. When they fight I laugh, when they cry I have to eat something trans-fatty to calm my stomach... and any excuse to gorge my face to suppress emotions is A-OK by me. BLESSED BE!
ARLENE & BEBEH CAKES OF FIRE DEATH: Arlene got like one scene, which she of course rocked. And cute bebeh of death wasn't here this week. My spidey senses tell me we're not done with him yet though... Halloween is still approaching in two weeks. There's still plenty of time for mega-shit to hit the fans of death.
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| So it's bad to kill ya chilez, even if they try to kill U first? Got it. |
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| Why U here again, Portia? No idea. Me either, let's kill ourselves. |
NOT PICTURED THIS WEEK, THANK GOD - Portia, Crystal Meth Tits, Harriet Tubman (so glad she's gone for good hopefully), Luna & Dora the Shapeshifting chillen Explorer.
NOT PICTURED THIS WEEK, HOW DARE YOU - Kenya, Lettie Mae, Maxine, Demon Bebeh.
NOT PICTURED THIS WEEK, HOW DARE YOU - Kenya, Lettie Mae, Maxine, Demon Bebeh.
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In Shammation, my sense of revelation is thinkin' bebeh fire demon is the trick to stopping Marntonia as only "fire can kill her like last time" or whatever, and if I'm right I'm not sure how I feel about all that, but I guess only time will tell. That aside, this week we had more than enough "oh shit" stuff to keep me motivated.
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| Wengardia Leviousa! I witch now. Eat muh shit, Hermione/Sabrina. |
Cerealously can't wait to see where the awesome team (Tara, Holly, Laf, and [meh] Sookie) got sent in Marnie's fireball of golden shower or whatever that was. Here's to hoping they weren't sent to Fairyville cuz my mind-parts can't take much more useless this season until Jesus, Portia, Luna, and all the werewolves not named "Alcide" are gone the way of Tommy. Can't wait til' next week to see more fux die.
---- Later, Hookuh Faces
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