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| Oh yeah, suck it you little bitch. (literally shambles) |
Oh man and woman are you lil' Baconators in for a treat. This edition of the long lost "Stuff I Love or Hate But Shouldn't" feature, also known as SILOBS, is really gonna get your pickles perky and your poon-tangs tangin', cuz it's all about the pornos and the wonderful things not just sprayed, but said in them too. That's right, no covering up the truth on the topic until after the jump this time, cuz like the porno dialogue that's the focus of this post, I'm just coming out gay style and saying it... no matter what shoots me in the face or calls me one of a million little names that cum up (see what I did there?) while gettin' dat money-shot 50 cent style 9 times in the chest (double decker pun points to me, thanx).
Now, please-to read on to see whether I love or hate porno dialogue in this extended (tee hee) edition of SILOBS, and enjoy the 7 "see what I did there's" that'll help point out all the obvious and shitty porno puns I've sprinkled throughout this post like you know what on a Bukaki face cuz I...
Now, please-to read on to see whether I love or hate porno dialogue in this extended (tee hee) edition of SILOBS, and enjoy the 7 "see what I did there's" that'll help point out all the obvious and shitty porno puns I've sprinkled throughout this post like you know what on a Bukaki face cuz I...
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...........HATE porno dialogue (PLOT TWIST!)
...........HATE porno dialogue (PLOT TWIST!)
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| So this is what drag Gary Busey meant by "I needa shoot my load". |
Yes, yes I know... a creepy weirdo freak like me would lead you to think that I LOVE me some pornologue, but much like a one topping pizza with only 8 slices... I might look at one from time to time, but I just can't seem to convince myself that it needs to be in my life. To be fair, I will admit that I like how ridick (see what I did there part 2?) it is, and some of it does make me laugh with how terrible it is. Truth be told if my life somehow weirdly depended on it, I could do without the porn and just listen to the shitty dialogue, but no porn and shitty dialogue are what CBS Dramas and TV Land comedies NOT named "Hot In Cleveland" are for, so that takes care of that. But I digress, cuz you need to know why I hate the things said in them pornz.
To be honest (and snobby), I hate porn dialogue from a writing perspective. These plastic and STD filled people are getting paid mad money and herpes to write shitty dialogue, while I slave away night and day on this blog and random pilots and scripts for no pay, while also holeing (see what I did there part 3?) down a full time job that, while in TV and an amazing gig, USUALLY does NOT involve gang-bangs and stunt cocks... usually (Reverse Shambles).
Too obvious lezbo box joke in the caption above aside, am I jelly of porno dialogue
"writers"? Maybe, they do cum dump some pretty good cooch-splitting puns (and I do luv me dem french fried pun-taters) but "jealous" isn't really the right word, more like "bitter"... but, I'm mos-def confident that the unpaid words I write are things to (mostly) be proud of, so that's a sort of consobation. Besides, even though the best part of writing porn dialogue is the shitty puns, I already make plenty of hoes already (see what I did there part 4?, "Hoes" instead of "those", it's funnier when you explain it --- Kill yourself, Adrian).
To bepubic hfair however... it's one thing to bitch about something without giving sexamples (see what I did there part 5 and 6?) of why you loath said thing, so in order to not act like everyone out there with half a clue and anger issues over Veronica Mars being cancelled like 100 years ago but can't remember why they liked the show in the first place, I'm gonna put mouth to ween and give you some examples of shiteously delivered atrocia dialogue that I, after minutes of research, discovered being spoken in those films that shall not be named. Please-to prepare for some adult talk (but no cock or poon shotz)... still, consider yourself warned, and take your contacts out or they'll get stuck in your lids from all the eye-rolling about to occur...
To be honest (and snobby), I hate porn dialogue from a writing perspective. These plastic and STD filled people are getting paid mad money and herpes to write shitty dialogue, while I slave away night and day on this blog and random pilots and scripts for no pay, while also holeing (see what I did there part 3?) down a full time job that, while in TV and an amazing gig, USUALLY does NOT involve gang-bangs and stunt cocks... usually (Reverse Shambles).
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| Lez-be "ins", you Gays be "outs". (Long way to go for a pun Shambles) |
"writers"? Maybe, they do cum dump some pretty good cooch-splitting puns (and I do luv me dem french fried pun-taters) but "jealous" isn't really the right word, more like "bitter"... but, I'm mos-def confident that the unpaid words I write are things to (mostly) be proud of, so that's a sort of consobation. Besides, even though the best part of writing porn dialogue is the shitty puns, I already make plenty of hoes already (see what I did there part 4?, "Hoes" instead of "those", it's funnier when you explain it --- Kill yourself, Adrian).
To be
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GAY EDITION - Muscly douchelord walks out of the shower and discovers someone is under his bed, but he doesn't let said Blonde Creeper know he sees him, instead he belts this Oscar winning dialogue of subtlety out.
Mussy Douchelord: (while pacing 2 seconds from blonde creeper) I sure wish I had someone here to suck my hot cock. A nice pair of lips to suck the juice outta my dick. Boy I wish there was somebody around. Fuq man I really wanna get my load down someone's throat. (pulls Blonde Creeper out from under the bed and "acts" concerned like he never knew he was there listening to his wonderful opus) How'd you get in here anyway? You'd better come up with some answers, Boy or I'm gonna teach you a lesson you'll never forget.
The Shakespearean exchanges continue until Blonde Creeper let's out his own Emmy winning non-sequiter dialogue to explain why he's there hiding out in the first place.
Blonde Creeper: Hey man, this guy... he hangs down at the corner. He's kinda weird. I gotta have money for the rent.
Please to tell me, is "the corner" and "the rent" like "the internets" or "the Quadruple Baconator Supereme Double Deluxe": something that exists somewhere but no one has ever seen? Needless to say, Blonde Creeper said Faceless Weirdo offered him 500 buckos to steal Mussy's undiez. The sah-lady-gaga contines.
Mussy Douchelord: Ha, I bet you're the queer that want's my piss-stained shorts.
Blonde Creeper: Oh no man, you got this all wrong.
Mussy Douchelord: (ripping open BC's shirt) I'm not so sure about that.
And then they bone... cuz all straight guys who need to pay "the rent" and get caught just shove a dick in their mouth when they get caught. Yeah... if that's the case my door's unlocked and I'm leaving a trail of boxers from here to Australia.
The drama concludes with the following Pulitzer winning dialogue:
MD: "yeah lick that sweat off my balls", "yeah you want this big man meat up your little hole, don't you?"
...And my personal fave
BC: "I've never had a man's dick up my ass before" (even though his gaping pooper is the size of the aforementioned 8-slice single topping pizza mentioned above).
I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried people, and trust me I tried. I guess maybe that's why I'm not paid to do it, because as filthy as my mind is, it isn't filthy enough to make people say any of the above phrases while trying to be sexy and/or taken seriously.
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But what about Straight Pronz? Are the same pun filled CUNversaTions (see what I did there part 7?) to be sexpected? You bet your sweat covered nethers they are. Here are three mini-dik sized examples for you to digest like morning after marble cake (look it up people).
STRAIGHT EDITION - 1) Jimmy Bob (who's not bad looking for a dude in his early 40's pretending to be 24 btway) approaches Ellie or something (further research reveals her name is Mattie Mae) who's a nurse and says he wants to donate an organ. You can guess where this is going.
Jimmy Bob: Hey, Mattie Mae.
Ellie Or Something: Hey is for horses, Jimmy Bob. (eye roll from me)
Jimmy Bob: I want to donate an organ.
Ellie Or Something: Oh, Jimmy Bob that's great. What organ do you wanna donate?
Jimmy Bob: My Dick... and I wanna donate it to you.
Ellie Or Something: Oh, well then... let me show you to the donation box.
ZING! Then they bone. Boy this is some Meryl Streep brillziance.
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----- 2) Ponytailed Weird Guy and Blonde Russian Whore (both with accents from the Dillard's in Moscow edition) walk on the beach and point at nothing.
Ponytailed Weirdo: Look this Island, isn't it beau-ti-fullllll?
Blonde Russian Whore: Oh very nice, beautiful.
Ponytailed Weirdo: (picks up some nasty sand) Look at the sand, it's not sand actually... it's coral (or he said "a girl" I couldn't really tell). It's completely different. It's beautiful, but you are the most beautiful thing on this island.
Blonde Russian Whore: Let's fuq.
Then they bone. Who said romance was dead?
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----- 3) I saved the best for last. We're in a compound in the woods or something, a sign on a tree says "Hippies and Faggots will be shot". Then a dude with greasy ass Wallstreet hair, who's limping with a gunshot wound (and thus clearly must be a "faggot" cuz hippies don't wear suits) runs out looking all frazzled, and trips and falls dropping his Dentine Ice or something. Then a flannel shirt wearing fat guy is there hovering over him with a shotgun... shitlarity but no gay daddy porn ensues.
Flannel Guy: Look's like you're outta your zone there, Hippy (guess the director thinks hippies are brokers or something)
Walstreet "Hippie": What do you want? Who are you?
Flannel Guy: You're on my land. That's trespassing. (thanks for the lesson)
Walstreet "Hippie": Sorry, I was just trying to do some sight seeing.
Flannel Guy: Well then you done sight seein' someuh my signs shouldn't how? (he really said that)
SEXY NURSE appraoches.
Sexy Nurse: Step away from him, Bart... I got a job to do.
Walstreet "Hippie": He shot me! (then he passes out)
He wakes up, hippie and nurse bone.
Walstreet "Hippie": Don't... stop.
Sexy Nurse: Don't stop? Ok.
Endless eye roll from me. They bone some more.
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Ok, so by now you get the point. I'm sure there are cuntless more examples that can prove my point as to why these lines are funny, and shittily acted (which I'd love to see you loyal Shamblers post in the comments section below)... but like a Katherine Heigl movie, something that might have a few funny parts but totally shitty writing and acting doesn't mean I'm gonna flop out my dick and start paying $2.99 a minute to see it.
Which is why Porno Dialogue, much like someone talking all dirty like that or asking me what I thought of last night's True Blood while we're boning, is hated by me, cuz rather than doing the job it's meant to do, it's really just distracting and sucks away at my bone... but not in the good way (losing your boner Shambles).
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| Shomme dat dik, Private Pyle! How boutta mangina Nstead, Sir? K. |
Mussy Douchelord: (while pacing 2 seconds from blonde creeper) I sure wish I had someone here to suck my hot cock. A nice pair of lips to suck the juice outta my dick. Boy I wish there was somebody around. Fuq man I really wanna get my load down someone's throat. (pulls Blonde Creeper out from under the bed and "acts" concerned like he never knew he was there listening to his wonderful opus) How'd you get in here anyway? You'd better come up with some answers, Boy or I'm gonna teach you a lesson you'll never forget.
The Shakespearean exchanges continue until Blonde Creeper let's out his own Emmy winning non-sequiter dialogue to explain why he's there hiding out in the first place.
Blonde Creeper: Hey man, this guy... he hangs down at the corner. He's kinda weird. I gotta have money for the rent.
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| Gimme dem douchebag underwearz. I pay $500. I wait too. |
Mussy Douchelord: Ha, I bet you're the queer that want's my piss-stained shorts.
Blonde Creeper: Oh no man, you got this all wrong.
Mussy Douchelord: (ripping open BC's shirt) I'm not so sure about that.
And then they bone... cuz all straight guys who need to pay "the rent" and get caught just shove a dick in their mouth when they get caught. Yeah... if that's the case my door's unlocked and I'm leaving a trail of boxers from here to Australia.
The drama concludes with the following Pulitzer winning dialogue:
MD: "yeah lick that sweat off my balls", "yeah you want this big man meat up your little hole, don't you?"
...And my personal fave
BC: "I've never had a man's dick up my ass before" (even though his gaping pooper is the size of the aforementioned 8-slice single topping pizza mentioned above).
I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried people, and trust me I tried. I guess maybe that's why I'm not paid to do it, because as filthy as my mind is, it isn't filthy enough to make people say any of the above phrases while trying to be sexy and/or taken seriously.
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But what about Straight Pronz? Are the same pun filled CUNversaTions (see what I did there part 7?) to be sexpected? You bet your sweat covered nethers they are. Here are three mini-dik sized examples for you to digest like morning after marble cake (look it up people).
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| Yeah Grandma, you go down on Mike. (Punny Caption Shambles) |
Jimmy Bob: Hey, Mattie Mae.
Ellie Or Something: Hey is for horses, Jimmy Bob. (eye roll from me)
Jimmy Bob: I want to donate an organ.
Ellie Or Something: Oh, Jimmy Bob that's great. What organ do you wanna donate?
Jimmy Bob: My Dick... and I wanna donate it to you.
Ellie Or Something: Oh, well then... let me show you to the donation box.
ZING! Then they bone. Boy this is some Meryl Streep brillziance.
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 |
| One of us likes dix... the other one's a Blonde. |
Ponytailed Weirdo: Look this Island, isn't it beau-ti-fullllll?
Blonde Russian Whore: Oh very nice, beautiful.
Ponytailed Weirdo: (picks up some nasty sand) Look at the sand, it's not sand actually... it's coral (or he said "a girl" I couldn't really tell). It's completely different. It's beautiful, but you are the most beautiful thing on this island.
Blonde Russian Whore: Let's fuq.
Then they bone. Who said romance was dead?
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 |
| Lumber-jack me off, Jill. No, I shoot Hipsterz wif muh Labe-Gunz |
Flannel Guy: Look's like you're outta your zone there, Hippy (guess the director thinks hippies are brokers or something)
Walstreet "Hippie": What do you want? Who are you?
Flannel Guy: You're on my land. That's trespassing. (thanks for the lesson)
Walstreet "Hippie": Sorry, I was just trying to do some sight seeing.
Flannel Guy: Well then you done sight seein' someuh my signs shouldn't how? (he really said that)
SEXY NURSE appraoches.
Sexy Nurse: Step away from him, Bart... I got a job to do.
Walstreet "Hippie": He shot me! (then he passes out)
He wakes up, hippie and nurse bone.
Walstreet "Hippie": Don't... stop.
Sexy Nurse: Don't stop? Ok.
Endless eye roll from me. They bone some more.
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| Thank you 1 Girl 5 Gays, Dean... this is why I follow U on Twitter. |
Which is why Porno Dialogue, much like someone talking all dirty like that or asking me what I thought of last night's True Blood while we're boning, is hated by me, cuz rather than doing the job it's meant to do, it's really just distracting and sucks away at my bone... but not in the good way (losing your boner Shambles).
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