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| Photoshopped Aria head is totes ruining this fierce as fuq pishure. |
Hey there, Ugly Big Truthtellers. Another episode down like chicken strips, only one more to go unitl the Fall finale. This week we had limited Noel and Mona, and more than we cared for Toby, BUT, we also had no boring Melissa, no New Jason and his buttchin of death, and no boring Ezra Fitz and former Beyonce parts... so like diet coke, it's a give and take compromise.
In other news though, shit's gettin' more intense than bacon wrapped fried Oreos with steak sauce and ketchup marinated fish batter, TRANSLATION: Disturbing in a good way. So jump on in this here Redux to see what you mighta missed, cuz something tells me while you were watching and sippin' on that diet coke, I was finding the truth like a 2 year old's g-spot, and you're gonna wanna read what you missed. TRUST!...
In other news though, shit's gettin' more intense than bacon wrapped fried Oreos with steak sauce and ketchup marinated fish batter, TRANSLATION: Disturbing in a good way. So jump on in this here Redux to see what you mighta missed, cuz something tells me while you were watching and sippin' on that diet coke, I was finding the truth like a 2 year old's g-spot, and you're gonna wanna read what you missed. TRUST!...
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| Jus imagine horsey iz the agent U boned to get dis role. I want glue. |
----- Previously on PLL: Posh Therapist is lame, nosy bitches die, the yearbook NIT club still have ridiculously large yearbook photos, bitches ride horses, Emily still hasn't eaten that alphabet cereal, and I'm hoping Mike is gonna reveal his gayness as the thing that's bothering him so that I don't get so damn frustrated each episode too. Now on to the show...
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| My lazy eyez are judging you and your cooch... An I laik it! |
----- Em, if a bitch texts you at 3:07am, all she wants is pussayyy, don't wait til 5:10am to finally give it to her cuz now that Hanna's awake, not only is she gonna wonder where the fuq you're going, but now she's also gonna have to eat something and she JUST brushed her teeth after her 4:15am mid-sleep feeding.
----- "Who hasn't slept, Aria?"... I haven't, I been waiting for this shitshow for a week. Oh and Spencer, thank you for not being an idiot, at least one of you has to be smarter than a dead pube. Oh, also... pretty sure that Fitz pic with Aria is getting the Anthony Wiener dick-pic Tweet treatment next week, shits is coming out soon like everyone on this show with a penis should.
------ Em, you can run, but you can't hide from the fact that you're an idiot for jogging in the woods at like 5 in the morning, don't you watch The Killing? Bitch you gawna getcho ass killt!
----- Group orgy of truth at Posh Therapists' office! Can't wait to see how many act breaks and what random "earthquake in Virginia" type twists and long pauses/awkward glances they use to keep the PLL bitches from actually saying anything worthwhile to PS Therapist. (too soon?)
BOO-MERCIAL BREAK
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Nothing to see here, move on. The commercials are lame this time... ooh Sourpatch kids!
"I met with Joe Jonas and then got Acuvue contact lenses", if this girl wasn't partaking in the Special Olympics, I'd have a lot more to say about how strange and horrifyingly random that statement and this commercial is/was.
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GUESS WHO'S BACK? WE IZ!
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| Do I have lard on my face? Why U bitches looking at me like dat? |
----- Back in Posh's quarters of truth, the random glances and not-answers continue. But of course, Spencer's here to actually say something instead of looking faboosh like Hanna, sweaty and "really you were gonna run to Texas?" like Emily, and "Wow them Tresemme products are working, your hairz looks great for once" Aria. I have to say howevz that even though there's a lot of "look pensive until they call cut because none of us have lines" going on, at least we're not looking at Toby's nasty mug.
----- MOTHER FUQER!!! Every single time I mention something about Toby his face shows up right afterward. I think I'm suffering from the curse of the Simbajaws, I knew I never shoulda done that post about Jonathan Gaylor Thomas. Random Bless to me for my Shambles. Random Bless to Blind Bitch for having terrible taste in music as she sits in Indo/Mexi Cops sports car, but bless revoked as she doesn't have to see Toby's face AND she's got mad snax. Jealous bitch, party of Adrian.
----- "Sue who," Aria? Don't cry. (see what I did there?). NTWayz, there's a whole lotta "she'll think we're crazy" talk going on at this table, and not even Hanna is touching the noms in front of her. Consider my suspension of disbelief officially hung to death... Oh great, here's Paula Deen Gran (AKA Betty Buckley, luz U bitch) who we've never seen or heard of til now just strolling up into school to nom lunch with the ladies. Clearly schools are easier to break in to than I thought. SIDE NOTE, why the hell is Blindilox Jenna letting down her guard and kissing slash talking all loud on the phone... what happened to her secrecy, did that go out with her coochie blocker once Indo/Mex Cop got into town/her pants?
----- MOTHER FUQER!!! Every single time I mention something about Toby his face shows up right afterward. I think I'm suffering from the curse of the Simbajaws, I knew I never shoulda done that post about Jonathan Gaylor Thomas. Random Bless to me for my Shambles. Random Bless to Blind Bitch for having terrible taste in music as she sits in Indo/Mexi Cops sports car, but bless revoked as she doesn't have to see Toby's face AND she's got mad snax. Jealous bitch, party of Adrian.
----- "Sue who," Aria? Don't cry. (see what I did there?). NTWayz, there's a whole lotta "she'll think we're crazy" talk going on at this table, and not even Hanna is touching the noms in front of her. Consider my suspension of disbelief officially hung to death... Oh great, here's Paula Deen Gran (AKA Betty Buckley, luz U bitch) who we've never seen or heard of til now just strolling up into school to nom lunch with the ladies. Clearly schools are easier to break in to than I thought. SIDE NOTE, why the hell is Blindilox Jenna letting down her guard and kissing slash talking all loud on the phone... what happened to her secrecy, did that go out with her coochie blocker once Indo/Mex Cop got into town/her pants?
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| So whenee grab u like dis, U chomp down wicha toothed vajaj. NOM! |
----- Again, food on the table in front of people discussin' the issues and not a single carrot or tomato in the mouth? This week's edition must've been written by some Rexo bitch.
----- Oh Gramma Regina, I kinda love you. Not only did you make a sloppy Joe reference, but you're lame ass velor or whatever that turquoise jacket is has a 6ft collar on it and you may or may not be wearing a wig. SIDE NOTE 2: why the hell is Gramma Vageena so friggen southern? Is she from Rosewood South?
-----Hey, Aria and Mom? Can't you tell that Mike is trynna jack that dick? Let him and his dark circles under his eyes that came outta nowhere self just rub that pre-teen shootin' blanx jizz out.
----- Oh Gramma Regina, I kinda love you. Not only did you make a sloppy Joe reference, but you're lame ass velor or whatever that turquoise jacket is has a 6ft collar on it and you may or may not be wearing a wig. SIDE NOTE 2: why the hell is Gramma Vageena so friggen southern? Is she from Rosewood South?
-----Hey, Aria and Mom? Can't you tell that Mike is trynna jack that dick? Let him and his dark circles under his eyes that came outta nowhere self just rub that pre-teen shootin' blanx jizz out.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cool, a full hour of Melissa & Joey... If that didn't also mean "no State of Georgia", I'd have a much sassier and vomit-hate-filled response than the "I'd rather rape my nephew while watching my parents have sex than watch that shit" one I'm feeling now.
Radio Disney Jams 15th Birthday edition CD? Oh Boy! See statement above about an hour of Melissa & Joey, only replace "watch that shit" with "listen to that shit" and add "while Simbajaws noms on my butthole and I'm doing crunches whilst not eating food in front of me". AKA, even the samples of the music on this no-mercial make me wish I was Blind Jenna's cousin "Deaf Adrian".
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BLACK AT'CHA, HOBAGS
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| Blackish Dude behind Aria has it RIGHT. What is this bitch wearing? |
----- Toby closeup with Awesome haired Spencer in the background, half of this makes me want to die, half of this makes me want long curly dark hair. Which is which? I'll never tell. SIDE NOTE 3: Toby, unless you're playing a corpse or on a CBS sitcom, when you act you have to show emotion, not just say the words and expect the live studio audience to do the work for you.
----- Who the fuq is Posh Therapist? Why is she making a speech at the school? Oh who cares, BONER ALERT! Noel Kahn is there. DOUBLE BONER ALERT, Mona's there filing her nails and being bored even though I'm pretty sure this whole speech is directed at her and her threat-texting ways. BONE SHRINKING ALERT - Gay Lucas is there too. I'm lying, boner is fully alerted for Gay Lucas too.
----- If you're blind and listening to the show, you wouldn't know if it was Emily talking to Jenna, or Aria talking to Fitz when Em said "Could you move your stick, there are people trying to get past you". God I love this show.
----- Who the fuq is Posh Therapist? Why is she making a speech at the school? Oh who cares, BONER ALERT! Noel Kahn is there. DOUBLE BONER ALERT, Mona's there filing her nails and being bored even though I'm pretty sure this whole speech is directed at her and her threat-texting ways. BONE SHRINKING ALERT - Gay Lucas is there too. I'm lying, boner is fully alerted for Gay Lucas too.
----- If you're blind and listening to the show, you wouldn't know if it was Emily talking to Jenna, or Aria talking to Fitz when Em said "Could you move your stick, there are people trying to get past you". God I love this show.
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| Blackish Dude Behind Noel has it WRONG, NK is giving me dikstands. |
----- Meanwhile at the Hotel Araxie, not only is that the stupidest name I've ever heard, but Hanna's hair and dress are like babyshit colored. Oh and, Hanna don't trust this blonde bitch with a stupid flowery dress, she will destroy you during her speech to come soon, and I'm pretty sure she's boning your Dad, or at least she wants to. SIDE NOTE 4: What kind of damn wedding dress is that? It looks more like Nancy Carrigan's skating outfit while she got clubbed in the knee if it got vomited on my a game of Bejeweled. SIDE NOTE 5: Hanna don't trust that secret stash bitch, she's just trynna get you wasted so you throw up on the wedding dress from Rocky Horror thus Ugly Bettying your life again.
----- Oh shit, Posh Therapist is such a goner. I love "A" so much right now it's like beyond words. But here are a few strung together by periods (tee hee): Bitch.Is.Rockin.My.World.Boutta.Be.Scream.4.Up.In.Rosewood.Soon!
----- Oh shit, Posh Therapist is such a goner. I love "A" so much right now it's like beyond words. But here are a few strung together by periods (tee hee): Bitch.Is.Rockin.My.World.Boutta.Be.Scream.4.Up.In.Rosewood.Soon!
WHOA-MERCIAL BREAK
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Give it up, ABC Family. No one gives two shits and a fuq about THE LYING GAME, and two hours of it aren't gonna get you anymore viewers. Everyone's waiting to NOT WATCH "Ringer" in the Fall... TRUST!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Give it up, ABC Family. No one gives two shits and a fuq about THE LYING GAME, and two hours of it aren't gonna get you anymore viewers. Everyone's waiting to NOT WATCH "Ringer" in the Fall... TRUST!
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BACK IT UP, BITCHES... SHOW'S ON!
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| Four whores and 7 episodes ago, I still had this 90's haircut. |
----- Drunk Hefty Hanna you and bitch-in-law sister are not building to something good, she's trying to get you wasted, and she's also gonna send out some kinda pic of Ezra or something to someone on your phone. Never trust a bad actress.
----- "I think she likes me more than her own son." Guess Gramma has lezby tendons like Em. Keep playing with that spatula, Mrs. Hanna's Mom and Em'll show you what she did to run Samara off. HINT, it rhymes with "eat ur poon". Blah, Blah, love talk... end of scene. Again I hear mention of food that was/is to be nommed, yet I see no food. SHENANIGANS!
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| You are so disgusting. Where the fuq is Roy Scheider to kill you? |
----- Madeline, I mean Aria... not only is your stupid bow outfit stupid, and your dad's velor puke green shirt hideo, but AGAIN someone is turning down food that doesn't exist! I know I'm a fat bitch, but come on... I also know not everyone in this town is gay, not all can survive on drama and threat texts so why is Hanna the only one eating.
----- LOVE/PUKE MONTAGE ALERT! Great, Black-ish Maya is back, and she looks over-fortier than ever, bitch you're seriously like 70 playing a 16 year old... and in order to keep my nuggets and rocky road dinner down, I'll just say Spencer and something are playing hot dogs and donuts in a truck while on a stakeout (mmm hot dogs, donuts, steak). ANNNND Spencer is badass again going to take care of shit. Oh, hey Dad. (FANTASY ALERT! Spencer's Dad is doing something sex related in Alison's house, here's to hoping Mike is involved).
----- LOVE/PUKE MONTAGE ALERT! Great, Black-ish Maya is back, and she looks over-fortier than ever, bitch you're seriously like 70 playing a 16 year old... and in order to keep my nuggets and rocky road dinner down, I'll just say Spencer and something are playing hot dogs and donuts in a truck while on a stakeout (mmm hot dogs, donuts, steak). ANNNND Spencer is badass again going to take care of shit. Oh, hey Dad. (FANTASY ALERT! Spencer's Dad is doing something sex related in Alison's house, here's to hoping Mike is involved).
INFO-MERCIAL BREAK
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Move along again, nothing to see here except more desperate attempts to hawk that dumbass LYING GAME shit... Give it the fuq up ABC Fam.
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SHUT THE FUQ UP, ARIA... SHOW'S BACK ON
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| Salad and Grapes? You fat, blind bitch! |
| ----- Spencer's Dad has issues. I hope they're that he's boning New Jason in his chin butt. Props to you, Daddy-o for uttering to Simba "Who the hell are you?" I've been NOT wondering that for a while now as we all know the answer: Hideous. ----- "A" STALKAGE ALERT! I repeat: Posh is a goner. LEZBO DATE ALERT! These bitches are boring, and based on the track record of this ep, Maya might not be leaving without her calamari, but we're never gonna see it. ----- Hey Mike, lay off the meth. You're looking like shit. Oh wait, you can't help it, you're trying to act or whatever they pay you (more than I'll ever make I'm sure) to do on this show. | ||
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Omitted text for lameness and nothing-newness from Mona-Mercial breaks before it.
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EAT MY BOOGER'S "LYING GAME", PLL IS BACK!!!
----- Oh, Hanna. That shiteous wedding dress isn't lettuce, you don't just wash it in the sink to try and get rid of the shame it brings for being in your life. Go Gramma Sasspants. Also, how stupid is Hanna's Dad to think she did all that puking on purpose? She's soooo not Bulimic anymore.
----- Aria, jut like knowing your dad was boning the TA, keeping the truth about Mike's thiefin' ain't helping nobody but the writer's to string us along. SIDE NOTE 6: How did I not notice that Mike has terror-brows of death too?
----- Can I go ahead and order the spinoff -- Gramma Noms and Hefty Hanna: Hungry Bitches of Juice-tice? Best line of the night from Hanna of course; "Once I get more than shrimp in my stomach, you are gonna be in a world of pain". Fat Club bows down to you, dear Queen.
----- Oh good, finally food on the table for once. It's only like a half bite, and of course no one ate anything as there was a phone call. A phone call which pisses me off of course, bitch can't just tell her on the phone, gotta have them meet her and have some disaster happen before they get the answer... gah this reeks of last season's fall finale, only it's the Doc in danger, not Hanna. Guess it's Em's turn on the "A" block this time. Please-to don't disappoint me next week's PLL. Get on with the shit ullready.
TAG - "A" hid the mic in the most obvious place you'd hide a mic if you were looking for said recording device, yet no one found it. Eyes of rolling death now activated.
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EAT MY BOOGER'S "LYING GAME", PLL IS BACK!!!
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| Bitch, I will destroy/eat U. Come on, Hanna. Yeah, wut she said! |
----- Aria, jut like knowing your dad was boning the TA, keeping the truth about Mike's thiefin' ain't helping nobody but the writer's to string us along. SIDE NOTE 6: How did I not notice that Mike has terror-brows of death too?
----- Can I go ahead and order the spinoff -- Gramma Noms and Hefty Hanna: Hungry Bitches of Juice-tice? Best line of the night from Hanna of course; "Once I get more than shrimp in my stomach, you are gonna be in a world of pain". Fat Club bows down to you, dear Queen.
----- Oh good, finally food on the table for once. It's only like a half bite, and of course no one ate anything as there was a phone call. A phone call which pisses me off of course, bitch can't just tell her on the phone, gotta have them meet her and have some disaster happen before they get the answer... gah this reeks of last season's fall finale, only it's the Doc in danger, not Hanna. Guess it's Em's turn on the "A" block this time. Please-to don't disappoint me next week's PLL. Get on with the shit ullready.
TAG - "A" hid the mic in the most obvious place you'd hide a mic if you were looking for said recording device, yet no one found it. Eyes of rolling death now activated.
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| Dude, we all hate Aria, okurr? Now wherez be mah 47 PISSAS?!? |
NEXT WEEK Fall finale time, Ho-sluts. Can't wait for this shit to go down like a 4 year old at Catholic church camp playing "Guess who's in Father BJ's mouth". Hopefully this time however Hanna won't get hit by a car and left for dead... hopefully this time it'll be Aria and it'll actually stick. Urrybody knows 3 Pretty Little Liars is be better than 4, unless you count Hanna twice once Aria's gone, then I might be on board. VERDICT??? I didn't know Mona was so strong, but I guess she's got help from 2000 pounds of crazy slash I'm wondering still if Mike is the one bringing his "A" game and this time I'm not being perverted cuz Mike is losing his shit in an "A" kinda way, and seeing as how that doesn't really add up with anything that's happened so far, that's probably where the writers will take it (DISS!). Oh and I want my money back if we don't have a scene where the PLL remove the sheets on their bed and discover a scalped Posh Spice wig on their pillow dead-horse-head style (full circle to second picture in this post points)... just saying. NTWayz, for cereal, I hope we get the ID of "A" soon, or at least a big clue next week, cuz if we don't get a move on this shit by season's end I might have to call the committe of strongly worded letters and get them to re-route all stankness from Alan Ball's residence to I. Marlene King's. Til' next week's Finale, Bitches... And thanks for sticking with me through the first 100 posts! Here's to hopefully 100's more. ---- "A" |
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